Barack Obama knows that, despite the fact that he's black (actually he's only 50%, as some say, Halfrican), he sorely needs massive support from the black voters to help him win the Presidency. In this stressful undertaking, he's been visiting major U.S. metro areas of high concentrations of blacks or Afro-Americans, as one may wish to refer to this ethnic group.
The U.S. Census Bureau puts the number of black Americans at 13.5%, a formidable number. Can somebody tell this reporter which appelations are correct: blacks, black Americans, Afro-Americans, African-Americans, or brothas and sistas? I'm sure there are a few others.
Anyhow, moving from city to city, Obama has reached out to the brothas and sistas to offer black Americans the following, if elected (in his own words):
--"I'll talk that jive Ebonics to all brothas and sistas whenever I can."
--"I'll eat chitlins every night at the White House and have a soul food mama as cook!"
--"Half of the black prison population will be released every six months to go back to a max of four of their shack up hos to establish themselves as father figures. Father's Day clearly will get them multiple presents, whether it be pot, coke, or some other buzz. If they don't spend, at least, 4 days a month as a father to one particular ho and child or children, then, immediately back the slammer! No shit on this one. I know your scat!"
--"I promise to visit prisons all over with Michelle and put on Bible classes behnd bars. Michelle will definitely wear definitive sexy clothes to keep prisoners attentive."
--"I will learn prison jargon to be able to speak to the common crook to the death row inmate. This include prison gang talk and joining a gang to gang, from time to time to gauge the gangs' needs. Bloods and crips and you next MF gangs, I'm coming! And, to all you new gangs, let me get to know you. By knowing each other, I can make prison fighting a lot less bloody!"
--"I'm forming a band 'Yo Mama' and we will perform Gansta Rap and ghetto reggae. Dudes, I am Obama, a Kenyan black whose white momma wanted strange stuff. Huge black manhood! Music unites brothas and sistas!"
--"I plan to continuously curse Ralph Nader, 'The Ultimate Honky.' Sure, I'm half honky, but we brothas and sistas are better than the honky, so the 50% brotha in Barack wins every time, like black rock smashes honky scissors, every time in 'Rock, Paper, Scissors,' one of my favorite competitive sports! Yes, I cater to whitey and don't offend our great American corporations, but I know my roots and I use bamboo furniture and eat a lot of coconut and bananas. And, I love black music, even Ella Fitzgerald. Yeah!"
--"I won't favor the greedy Stock Market. I'm for the neighborhood brotha's and sista's grocery and what it stocks. And, it better have chitlins, ribs, and lots of cheap hooch. And, the numbers will continue, I mean we are gamblin' sorts! Yeah!"
--"No lobster bisque. I am not a whitey elitist! It's ham, hock, 'n beans everyday at the White House; with chitlins! State dinners will include soul food for visting brothas and sistas and whitey. NO SHIT, MAN!"
--"Closet smoking is still my game! I'll smoke like a chimney like the po,' unschooled folk. And, each black locked-up person of black color gets a pack of Marlboro every week!"
--"If I get a little sexy 'somethin' somethin' in the East Room closet, it's only with a sista...not with that whitey Heb ho Monica! Yeah, man, I promise!"
--"No Colin Powell or Jesse Jackson for dinner. It's my man, Al Sharpton. The other boys is a tinge whitey!"
Well, there you have a taste for how our next possible President will go for the black vote and how he promises to deliver.
I suddenly have a taste for fried chicken and a quench with watermelon! Goodbye!
Reported by Trent Wellington P. Sherwood, III (a proud 'Whitey')
Copyright: You Pee Eye 2008