Written by Panndyra
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Topics: Pope, Vatican

Monday, 17 May 2004

image for Pope Names New Saints
'Cuz I'm the Pope, that's why!

Vatican City, Vatican---

The papacy, in its effort to look hip and cool, to a modern world, has, to quote celebrity Chef Emeril "Bam" Lagasse, "kicked it up a notch." He has named some potential new saints and changed the rules around making sainthood a completely different ball game. (No Kobe, you still aren't gonna get into this elite club! Sorry!)

The following names have been presented for sainthood:

  1. Princess Diana. She was the 'people's princess' and had some great gams. She liked Mother Teresa and the color royal blue. It was a miracle that she stayed married to un-bonny Prince Charlie for so long.
  2. Mahatma Gandhi. He was an extreme pacificist and one cool dude. He had guts.
  3. Mel Gibson. He made one damn fine movie about Jesus Christ and inspired more Christians than the Church has in the last 20 - 2,000 years, give or take a few milennia.
  4. Donald Trump. He asked if we'd put him in and he's got a boatload of money.
  5. LaToya London. The poor girl got kicked off American Idol way too soon and well, we thought Sainthood would cheer her up.
  6. Donald Rumsfeld. Yes, this man has showed us all that never before has there been a need to reinstate Crucifixion. We admire his methods. He must be the reincarnation of Torquemada.

From this list, it is easy to see that the qualifications for sainthood have become more lax. Here's a segment from an ultra-secret memo that was presented to the college of Cardinals before their final exams:

  • One needn't be Catholic. We can't find enough Catholic saints anyway.
  • You can buy your way into heaven. We've done this before. Remember indulgences? Now, we have the 'gold-plan', where you can buy your way into Sainthood with a proper donation.
  • If you can get millions of Americans to watch your show or vote for you on a Reality TV series, then that's better than the last presidential election, so you are popular and we want you.
  • We need some color in our sainthood. We have very few 'ethnic saints', and affirmative, Catholic action requires we put some African American, Latino and Asian saints in the mix.

Attempts to contact the Vatican were ignored. A source close to the pope says, "I think it's time to put him in an old Pope's home. He's lost his f***in' mind and I mean that with the utmost respect."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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