Vatican City - (Goddawful Mess): A papal adviser on family planning issues is being shielded by Vatican spooks after being exposed as Austrian incest nutter Joseph Fritzl's long lost secret twin brother.
Adolf Fritzl, 69, has lived in Rome's famous subterranean catacombs under St Peters for over a decade where he runs the pontifical orifice on birth control.
"Sure it's an arsehole of a place to work in, but what the hell?" are his only known comments on the bleak working conditions beneath Rome's Via Dolorosa.
Fritzl's six figure annual salary is paid by a group of Opus Dei-rivaling nutters called the Sacred Military Constantinian Order of St George (as in Bush).
Formerly a captain in the Swiss Guards Fritzl mark #2 writes Holy Family-themed papal homilies and advises on the image makeovers during papal foreign trips.
A twin of the fascist Grail Movement doomsday cult prophet currently in custody for imprisoning his daughter for 24 years and gorging hinself off her fecundity, Adolf Fritzl has never been married or produced issue.
"There is no truth in the rumors that an old Nazi tunnel directly connects the Vatican with Amstetten in Austria," Fritzl insisted to reporters today.
Pope Joseph Ratzinger is bonkers.