Theologians the world over are in an uproar today because Jesus of Nazareth has risen from the dead again. Climbing up out of a manhole in Jerusalem, the dishevelled, bearded Jesus disrupted traffic for over an hour as authorities searched him for weapons. At first, doubting the unkempt, foul smelling man was who he said he was, Israeli Police attempted to detain him until he repeatedly threw the police over the tops of nearby buildings.
Able to speak English "because I am a God, you know?" Jesus said he had returned because Heaven was extremely boring. "There's a lot of sitting around on clouds and listening to Oral Roberts argue with Gandhi." When asked what he hoped to accomplish on his return to Earth Jesus answered, "Sex, really. I didn't get a lot, and you can forget it in Heaven. All the hot babes go to hell," he chuckled. "You know, I'm a God, but in Heaven I have to download porn via dialup! I'm in the market for a cable modem!"