Speaking from his multi-millionaire's massive luxury home in Rome, only a few thousand miles away from Palestine, where Jesus preached humility and poverty, Pope Benedictine the Unhypocritical said: 'Ave Caesar. Yes, I mean no, anyone spreading the 13 months heresy will be half-tortured to death, and then burnt at the stake with nails stuck in their heads, it's what that guy in Israel would have wanted. With you in a second, Don Corleone.'
When it was pointed out that there are 13 lunar cycles every year, and 13 menstrual ones, and that in fact people don't need a ridiculous Gregorian calendar to mess things up, the Pope shouted: 'Do you want me out of a job?! Get out of here, I need to count my gold spoons and my arms manufacturing investments.'
Some have suggested that the world has done fine for a few million years without someone in Rome dressing up as a women and telling people what time of day it is, but others weren't so cynical. Speaking from his laboratory in England, Professor Steven Hawkings said :'It's not rocket science! 52 weeks in a year divided by 4 equals 13. Just watch the Moon, or count the days, there are 13 months to a year.'
But Pope Heinrich Himmlinger refused to admit something that even a brain-damaged American President could understand: 'There are twelve months in a year, twelve! The Sun goes round the Earth, and the Moon is made of dolcellate cheese! Jesus was Italian, and Hitler wasn't as bad as you Protestants make out! The Inquisition will deal with you, if you continue these heretical -'
Gallileo Gallilei is at his opticians today, to make a full and sincere apology for claiming that 2 and 2 make 4.