John McCain has today been the center of an investigation into election fixing. The Republican candidate is accused of planting the opposing contender Barack Obama in a bid to scupper the chances of a Democratic election.
McCain was allegedly overheard revealing his plan to fellow republican Arnold Schwarzenegger in an exclusive protein-powder store.
"All I need to do is watch them fight it out in public, while I sneak into the White House through the air conditioning vents."
Schwarzenegger laughed. Loudly.
Further evidence against McCain has surfaced in the form of a vinyl recording that details the depth of the would-be-president's thoughts as he confides with an unidentified adviser. This is said to be recorded as early as 1984 and the shocking revelations are quoted in full.
McCain: "Let us be honest, my surname is similar to the American hero form Die Hard: I could win any election on name alone, so long as no one pays attention to my shortcomings. We need a diversion, the other party to take the spot-light while being utterly implausible for the presidential chair.
"If we instigate a tedious year long battle for their candidacy the media will create such a storm that no one will even realize that I've been elected. So long as they have no chance of actually winning the thing. A black man. A black man will never be President. Vs? What could be worse than a black man for President?"
Experts are still working on the identity of the adviser, though they can confirm that he speaks with an Austrian accent and "sounded buff."
Adviser: "A woman."
The recording ends after a sustained applause.
If McCain is found guilty of election fraud he faces a humiliating political demotion to the Prime Minister of Canada. American legislation also states that the current president must remain for a third term if the only alternative successors are African American or women (or both).
With this hitting the news the American public are in turmoil, with not one positive outcome to look forward to the streets are in a frenzy.
John Crouger, the chief of state police made this statement: "This is why Americans have guns, if we can't see an acceptable end in sight to a President's term we end it for them, we shoot them."