OTTAWA - McDonald's Corporation vice-president, Arnold McDonald, announced to the world's press today the appointment of Jean-Baptiste Poquelin (dit Molière) as the new chief executive of the fast-food chain, and with it the forthcoming overhaul of the corporation's public image.
In an early morning press conference, McDonald stated that McDonald's is to develop a fresh, more elegant corporate logo and subsequently confirmed the new, unpretentious French-style menu:
- Salade Gourmande du Périgord
- Les Fâcheux à l'Impromptu de Versailles
- L'Étourdi d'un Sicilien
- Grand Escalope de Veau à la Crème et aux Champignons
- Châteaubriand Sauce Béarnaise
- Carré d'Agneau en Robe de Moutarde, Jus de Fleur de Thym
- Les escargots de La Princesse d'Élide
- Côte de Boeuf et son Choix de Sauce
- Gnocchi de Pommes de Terre à La Provençale
- Les Fourberies de Scapin
- Le fromage d'Amphitryon
Whilst Arnold McDonald described it as "sad" to lose the old Quarter Pounder, McNuggets and notorious Big Mac® (as well as every other food item formerly on the menu), he was nevertheless excited by the prospect of the fast-food chain "no longer trying to pretend that it's something it's not".
According to McDonald's of France representatives, the new menu items will be "vraiment cher", which, roughly translated by Arnold McDonald at the press conference, apparently means "won't cost you much at all, folks."
Little is known about Molière in the U.S. - mostly because he is "not American and therefore insignificant" - but the newly appointed chief executive has founded a string of world-famous restaurants in France and Canada, the most illustrious of which are the Tartuffe in Paris and Sganarelle in Montreal.
Molière's appointment comes after a damaging week for the fast-food giant. Not only was Ronald McDonald, Arnold's brother and former CEO, convicted of 69 counts of animal abuse yesterday, but also a U.K. health committee blasted the chain for the health hazards its food presented. The Frenchman is seen by one corporate analyst, interviewed by TheSpoof, as a desperate attempt to rid the chain of its unhealthy, gluttonous and now scandalous reputation:
"McDonald's is desperate to up its image: first it thought it would introduce salads to try and look healthy - but then scientists discovered more fat in one sachet of McDonald's salad dressing than in twenty Big Macs."
"Next it promised to try to reduce the levels of dangerous "trans fats" in its food - but then admitted to the Commons Health Committee in England yesterday it had done no such thing and was instead actually poisoning its customers."
"Now it's trying to introduce French cuisine to give the restaurant chain a touch of class - so it's clear that Mr. Poquelin's appointment is intended to steer the boat in this new direction."
Recent reports that the new McDonald's slogan will be, "McDonalds - Pour toute la famille si vous voudriez manger de la nourriture très chère mais, en revanche, hypercoool!!!", juxtaposed with the American flag and aired on television along to the theme tune of The A-team, are unconfirmed.