Written by Natowsky
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Tuesday, 10 June 2008

image for After Losing Presidential Nod, Hillary Plans To Lauch Village Cookies!
'Hillary's Village Cookies' will be loaded with chocolatey African ugan, and, makano nuts

Just what does a Presidential hopeful do after coming so close to getting the nod as the Democratic Party's Presidential nominee? Why, of course, bake cookies. Except in this case, we're talking megapounds of cookies.

After bowing out graciously to Barack Obama on Saturday June 7, Ms. Clinton revealed her plans to be the biggest cookie in the 'noshing' business. Said Hillary, "Screw Nabisco, Keebler, and other shits! I'm the big cookie now! So, I can't be Commander in Chief. But, you're going to always know my name!"

From scratch, Ms. Clinton is starting 'Hillary's Village Cookies,' derived from 'It Takes a Village: And Other Lessons Children Teach Us,' a book she released in 1996 and a NY Times best seller. Actually, she had a ghost writer, who never got credit. But, she quickly passes on questions related to taking the credit!

"Dammit, I could have been President, but, at least, those Obama fans will get fat on my cookies," said the former First Lady, clearly quite pissed off about coming within a hair's thickness of beating Obama to the Presidential nomination.

Quoted by Nairobi-Kenya News Services, Hillary said, "Zimbo akwon poto amo pran sonva Kenya,!" or "I'll show them how to bake cookies in Kenya!"

'It takes a village' derives from various Afrcan cultures. In Lunyoro (Banyoro) there is a proverb that says 'Omwana takulila nju emoi,' whose literal translation is 'A child does not grow up only in a single home.' In Kihaya (Bahaya) there is a saying, 'Omwana taba womoi,' which translates as 'A child belongs not to one parent or home.' In Kijita (Wajita) there is a proverb which says 'Omwana ni wa bhone,' meaning regardless of a child's biological parent(s), its upbringing belongs to the community. In Kiswahili the proverb 'Asiyefunzwa na mamae hufunzwa na ulimwengu' approximates to the same.

So, Hillary plans to 'villagize' her customers. Said a very upbeat and determined ex First Lady, "Kids 5 through 13 will buy my cookies at malls and in supermarkets with quotes on them by famous Americans printed in edible ink. Already, Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, FDR, JFK, and Bubba will be quoted on my morsels. For example, Jefferson's words, 'All men are created equal,' Lincoln's Words, 'Four score and seven years ago...,' and Bill Clinton's, 'I did not have sex with that woman,!' will appear on my cookies to teach the kids about 'the village.' Then, my book sales will also go up in parallel! Push cookies and push books! I'm even working on my next book, 'Don't Get Mugged or Whacked In The Big City' for the 14 to 19-year old set.

I'm acquiring special shipments of six flavors from Africa, favorites of kids over there and sure to be winners here. These include mukaberry, ugan, tufan, caboob, saputin, and zamwiji." Asked whether kids would like the flavors and the quotes printed on the cookies, Ms. Clinton, feeling her oats, in her own inimitable delivery, emphatically shouted, "You bet! I wrote the book, know what's right, bake the cookies, and truly understand these young brats. Sure, when that upstart Obama starts mucking up things worse than Bush's BS, they'll still be hungry and clammoring for HVC. Remember that abbreviation for 'Hillary's Village Cookies.'

And, Bill, with his $50 mill from talking the same bullshit around the World will be dwarfed by my snack foods. I'm, clearly, still fuming about the Monica escapades. When I ran the White House, effectively, acting as the President, he was in a closet playing with that dirty young whore!"

(Reported by The Food Industry Gusto)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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