Written by Dan Holmes
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Topics: Death, England

Saturday, 15 May 2004

image for Death wants Bank Holiday - quotes EU Legislation
Death is pissed.... just say yes

In an exclusive interview with theSpoof today Death has declared that from this year forward England's Spring Bank Holiday will be a Death Holiday too.

"I've been doing this Death stuff for about three and a half billion years" said the harbinger of doom, "and frankly I'm getting bored with the whole end of life thing. Bacteria I can cope with - they practically kill themselves - but now we've got slightly complex life-forms - human beings, for example, who are SO demanding. It's just getting tiresome."

"Look" she says, trying hard to be modest. "I can't keep this up with no Time Off. There are so many people on this planet now that killing a million a day (even without the US Army) is a challenge. Even with Big Macs, beer, and breathing I still can't keep up with what you people demand. So I have to take my statutory leave just to get back to normal. Whatever that is when you're destroying lives."

Having been around for so long Death is no slouch when it comes to Health and Safety Legislation. "I've seen the rules come and go. And come and go again. When I first started it wasn't just fetch your own coal - it was fetch your own oxygen. Nowadays I think it's wonderful. So as far as the EU is concerned - God bless ‘em all."

It is believed that several million people will be deprived of their dying day if Death takes a day off. Those who are suffering will moan, those who are not suffering will cheer, and the rest will be confused by the mix of their Doctors' diagnoses and their relatives' misery. Aborted babies will of course burn in hell.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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