Written by victor nicholas
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Saturday, 7 June 2008

image for Jalapenos to Fuel Mars Mission
ten, nine, eight, seven, six...

Kennedy Space Centre, Florida - NASA officials charged with putting a man on Mars "faster, better, cheaper" have made a stunning breakthrough using Jalapenos as an alternative to traditional rocket fuels. Initial trials have proved remarkably successful, supersonic escape velocities have been achieved without the use of rockets.

The discovery came about by accident. Scientists at the Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena struggled unsuccessfully for years to come up with an alternative fuel when forklift driver Walter Barass came back from lunch one day after having double helpings of chili relenos. Unable to contain himself Barass belched twice and then explosively lost control of his bowels with a thrust force exceeding that of a Saturn Five rocket, knocking the roof off the warehouse he was working in and causing tremors as far away as Pomona.

Seismologists tracking rumblings leading up to the blast later traced earlier seismic events in the valley to coincide with previous lunches by Mr. Barass.

While only test flights by individuals over short distances have been recorded to date NASA is confident that long distance flights are possible by having astronauts lock their arms together while back to back in numbers with total thrust calculated to reach Mars, Saturn, or whatever.

Dangerous super-cooled rocket fuels have been replaced by tanker trucks of jalapeno fotified liquefied chili relenos from Forti's Mexican Restaurant in El Paso (two Borat thumbs up!). Workers in oversuits force-fill the astronauts in launch position like foie gras. Complimentary cornchips and salsa are served on the side. Some say the ambiance is quite nice.

Launch is triggered by having black limousines filled with IRS agents armed with revolvers pull up quickly at the end of countdown and shout in snarky tones "Hands on your head! You are charged with tax evasion by the United States of America!"

Announcing that Sony Bono is still alive works equally well.

General Dynamics has warned NASA the mission is risky. "We have had quality control problems with our O-rings in the past."

The Jet Propulsion Lab (JPL) has been re-inaugurated as the Jalapeno Propulsion Lab (JPL).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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