Written by Lyer O' Spoofer
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Topics: Burma

Thursday, 5 June 2008

In a move that has come as a surprise to the international community, the Burmese government has said it is now willing to allow all aid into the country, provided everything, down to the last grain of rice is routed through Senior General Than Shwe's palace.

Reading a statement at a press conference yesterday, government spokesman, Jai Thwan, went on to explain how all the aid including 100,000 gallons of fresh water, 75 tons of rice and thousands of tents which continue to pile up at the border will be escorted through the country by the 20th Burma Rifles into Shwe's magnificent abode.

Thwan said: "We are aware that there is a lot of food, water and other very desirable items that need to reach many of our people, hence, we have come to a decision to open our doors and let all those mouth watering and extremely valuable commodities in."

He then proceeded to draw out a map detailing the aid's 25 mile journey to the palace, bypassing some of the worst hit areas that have more than 300,000 refugees between them. "The goods must be thoroughly inspected and certified free of bugging devices," Thwan said.

All the food items are to be placed in the palace's 150 by 100ft kitchen and others passed on to the country's Trade and Goods Evaluation minister, General Myau Thsui. Thwan said: "Our people are very happy with the decision as you can see for yourselves," pointing to a video of Ming Nyut, a Buddhist monk who has spent the past month perched on top of a teak tree in the Irrawaddy area, following the destruction of his home. "Very good, very very good," he said, giving a thumbs up to the camera from his 50ft high position.

"No more shall our stomachs remain unfed nor our throats remain dry once we descend on the 30,000 or so cartons of freshly made ribena and the countless packets of Texan made beef jerkies," the statement read.

Thwan also revealed that plans are being made to divert all financial donations into a purposely set-up Swiss bank account from where they will be appropriated accordingly to provide housing and other basic necessities for the most affected.

The army was recently issued with bullwhips, cudgels and cat o' nine tails to prevent desperate and famished crowds from getting at the supplies which are estimated to be worth more than £40m.

Shao Sao, 39, a Rangoon resident who was given 3,000 lashes for receiving a biscuit from a UN official said: "Me and my entire family, including my eighty-year-old father were laid out spread eagled in the sun and beaten till our back sides were void of all flesh, I'd rather die than receive another flogging of that kind."

Thwan concluded by appealing for more aid, raising concern about the lack of the finest German larger nor the presence of specially reared Japanese Matsusaka beef.

"I can assure you that the aid will not be used to build Shwe's proposed £20m mansion neither will it be used to pay the 600 plus soldiers that will protect it," he said.

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