"I tell you, I'm the one who made NBC what it is. The bastards!!! " a drunk, bitter Kelsey Grammer shouted out of the window of his Manhattan loft, late Sunday night. "They give those kids hours and hours of TV time, I'm a mere afterthought. I won't stand for it, I tell you. This aggression will not stand!"
Writer KungFu IceSkater and stunned passers by listened as television's most famous "psychiatrist", exposed his deepest insecurities. "My loyal fans and subjects, we must revolt. The powers that be are a mighty force to reckon with, but let us first take stock of our ‘Friends' foes. Rachel is the type of self-involved bitch that you wouldn't wish upon your worst enemy. Phoebe's IQ is only slightly superior to farm soil. Chandler can't act. Ross's scary side burns make him the only human being that has failed to be classified as "homo sapiens". Monica, well, I really just want to roger her….hiccup….burp and Joey, well Joey, he's the only intelligent guy on the show. Well, intelligent by "gold fish" standards."
The police were called to the scene and attempted to calm Kelsey Grammer down but he continued ranting and raving. "My brethren, I urge you to acquire nuclear artillery, from our stockpiles in Washington, and then bomb NBC's offices in New York. Annihilate those mother-fuccccccers. I will finance your efforts. Someone get me Darth Vader on the phone now. I tell you friends, Darth Vader is available to help us!!!"
The police were finally able to restrain Kelsey Grammer and he is said to be responding well to medication. Kelsey told us that he feels no bitterness towards NBC, although he will shortly publish a "most wanted" deck of cards with mug shots of NBC executives and the entire cast of Friends.