(Vatican City) - The Vatican today announced that anyone attempting to ordain a woman into the priesthood would be excommunicated, as would the woman herself. The decree was signed by Cardinal William "Misogy" Levada, prefect of the congregation for the doctrine of faith, and was itself a compromise doctrine when Vatican officials realized they could no longer order people burned at the stake.
An official Church statement released Thursday by the Vatican Office of Suppression, Ignorance & Intolerance read: "Women, with their fuzzy triangles of doom, can hypnotize a man's mind, causing the blood to flow hot and the body to become tumescent. The resulting confusion causes a decrease in rational thought and an increase in wild parties, to which we never get invited. For this reason and many, many, many, many others, The Church has decreed that a woman priest is a Heretic Jezebel doomed to Hell for all Eternity, as is anyone who aids these filthy, whore-y, bitchy women. In this day and age, when all the ancient and stupid practices of the Church that we so enjoy are under increasing attack, we have decided this is where we must make our stand."
A Vatican source, speaking anonymously, explained the reasoning behind the decision this way:
"The priesthood is for men only, baby." Ticking points off on his fingers, the priest went on, "We've already had to give up the Crusades, witch burning, the rack, fingering young boys, and reading the Mass in Latin, so the Church has decided that this is where we are going to draw the line."
"After all, once you let them become priests, then it's just a hop, skip and a jump to them learning how to read. And if that happens it would be frickin' chaos, especially in America. How you gonna keep 'em barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen once those American birds learn how to read the Bill of Rights? Capice?"