It's finally happened. U.S. air carriers, pushed to financial ruin, are cutting back more than ever on everything for the flier, while raising prices wherever and whenever they can.
Wrote Herr Monkreid Wallbort, ex-German WW II veteran and CEO of American AirTrans in 'Planes Today,' "Vee just cannot shtay in business witout usink our brains, tinkling outside dat circle, or is dat der box? Vee are cutting down on costs, and shticking it to za travelink publik wherever vee can. We used to, alzo, do other tinks, but now za reason iss, how you say, nein brainer! Of, courze, I didn't quite mean it zat way...vell, you know vee haf to jack up prices wherever za passenger won't rebel in bulk. Gee, that shtill didn't sound very gut!"
Chief Operating Officer, Dr. Maxie 'Flyboy' Deanlflute of United Flights---a favorite of honeymooners, because of retrofitted Boeing 747 airplanes with the upper level now a newlyweds' bedroom complex (a screwing motel where the song 'Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong' is constantly broadcast through each pillow!!!)--- told our staff that, "It's a freakin' shame that we gotta, cut, cut, and cut!" I think I missed a cut: Cut!"
Already, one major airline is starting to charge $15 to check a bag (no, not your grandma) and another is dropping the ubiquitous honey-roasted peanuts in coach. No little-bitty bags are going home to the kiddies, anymore, as a special gift from daddy, the frequent flier. It was a cheap trick on the kids, anyway, and, forget about free drinks. Bring your own overpriced bottles of water!
And, even, one very budget-conscious carrier will monitor rest rooms to stop shenanigans from 'mile-high clubbers,' claiming that their erratic movements on the washstand cause more fuel consumption, as the plane jerks from side to side, thus requiring frequent pilot correction. As a result of that new rule, the MHCA (Mile High Clubbers Association) will file a class action lawsuit to stop what it calls, "frivolous rules by airlines, and, claiming that, if in-flight movies are gone, then what fun is there in flying, anymore?" Note: Women over 50 are not interested in participating in the lawsuit, presumably because menopause has eliminated their lusting. Adding to the pro-lawsuit side, Mr. Wallbort in the 'MHCA NOOKIE,' wrote, "Venn I fly, I vant diverzion. Zo, if no movie, zenn I must have intercourze up in za great blue yonders! Jawohl!"
And, a new airlines has just arrived at the gate. Called "YOU GO-No Frills," where passengers sit on a flat floor (there are no seats!) and mix and mingle. Women passengers, female stewards, and transvestites are, however, not allowed to wear skirts, dresses, and similar and no sex is allowed anywhere on the plane, even at night.
We've compiled a list of other annoyances that are in place now or are expected to be experienced by passengers in the near future:
- Aisle- and window-seat surcharges of upto $35(?) Already in effect with some carriers. Need to take a frequent leak? Then go aisle seat!
- No boomboxes! No! No! No!
- Precise fuel calculation for exact mileage at given speeds to avoid topping off the jet fuel tanks. If low fuel results, it means landing at the closest airport...closest to the destination airport. Then, it's bus time!
- Elimination of "Booze Service" to relieve flight stewards and also to allow reductions in staff.
- Puke bags ('PBs') for 25 cents delivered via a slot in front of one's seat. $2 for the bag's removal (well worth the 2 bucks!)
- Short-term drop-down oxygen masks at 50 cents per minute. Possible problem: If no cash, passenger might croak.
- Use of a computerized copilot (called, 'Buddy FlyGuy'), which brings up the question: Why the Hell, then, do we need a live pilot???
- Emergency, long-term oxygen and/or CPR at $20 per hour. For serious breathing issues ONLY! Cash or credit card!
- Not allowing pilot, copilot, or navigation personnel to have more than 8 cocktail drinks each or 10 glasses of wine each, 2 hours before flight time, so that they fly in the straighest path possible and can avoid an airline's having to explain embarrassing crashes.
- Providing first-class passengers with the coach-class meals, no longer served in coach. These meals are honeyroasted peanuts (see above). 'Coach Class' is now referred to (by passengers) as 'Roach Class.'
- A pass-around collection can to provide gas money for shuttling airline personnel to and from their hotels.
- Shacking up at hotels for flight personnel (so what's new?), thereby reducing the need for one room per person.
- No in-flight airline-provided reading materials to lighten the plane to save on fuel.
- Streaming video at $10/minute when a steward (female or male) starts deep kissing a pilot, copilot, or navigator.
- Lap seating(sitting on someone's lap), so airlines can use smaller aircraft. Cheaper airplanes!
- Elimination of air marshalls by appointing a passenger as a temporary air marshall for that flight. And, use of slingshots instead of a gun to reduce weight (no 44 magnums à la 'Dirty Harry,' anymore!)
- Total ban on K-Y products, commonly carried by female flight attendants for above shacking up and post-menopausal dried-out women.
- Not allowing the top 5 heaviest passengers to board. They will compete again in the next flight to their locations.
- No perfume as a masking agent to cover up vaginal odors and all genital/rectal odors from flight stewards (male and female). Additional cost in this case of $2 per three squirts from a knokoff fragrance (also reduces cost).
Protests are expected at the offices of the FAA, as early as June 16. Organizer, Ralph Nader is outraged and plans to have airline passengers march in Washingtom past the White House. "I know that sqirming Bush will be in 'Der Führer Bunker,' as we march by," said Nader, planning his next protest on a green notepad.
Called 'The Million Person White Knuckler Protest,' the Head Knuckler will be John Madden, Pro Football Hall of Famer, whose fear of flying is legendary. Said, Madden, "It's an honor to lead the troops against that claustrophobic box that kills millions every year. It's like putting an O.J. on every flight!"
(written by Stefan De Propellerania)