The British Government today announced that it was banning colonialism.
In a highly moral move, the United Kingdom held a special ceremony at Westminster Abbey, in London, to mark this glorious announcement.
Delegates representing Australian Aboriginals, Native Americans and Africans weren't present at the Abbey, as they'd all been killed by British colonials in their millions, but one survivor, Robert Mugabe, said: 'Colonialism is disgraceful, if I could manage to do it, I'd do it myself.' And another African, Colonel Gadaffi, said: 'We hate the British with a vengeance! Can I sell you some cluster bombs and land mines?'
American President, George W. Bush, said: 'Where are those Britishers? Are they Canadians? Are they dry, like me?'
Inventing land mines and cluster bombs, selling weapons to Africans, and practicing genocide across the world, have long been British traditions, but colonialism has never featured in its history.
BBC News reporter, Trevor Winchester, said: 'Door, stable, horse, bolted.'
Kylie Minogue was unavailable for comment, though she could run the UN better than whoever does.