Baghdad--In a surprise announcement during his surprise visit to Iraq, American Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld revealed the new American plan to restore order and democracy to the troubled nation. Saddam Hussein will be released from prison and allowed to resume control as though none of this had happened.
According to Mr. Rumsfeld, "I can't really take credit for this success. It was Colin Powell who pointed out that no one else wanted the mess, and the funny part was that Saddam actually does have the largest constituency of all the various factions around here. Our boy Chalavi really let us down there. We were kind of hoping that the UN could step in, but they just didn't have the money or the troops, and we already made them irrelevant, too, so we needed to think outside of the box. The kicker was when Saddam agreed to long-term instalment payments for the cost of the invasion, so we just had to agree to let bygones be bygones."
After meeting with Mr. Rumsfeld again (see photo), Saddam left for Fallujah to start organizing his supporters there. As part of the American withdrawal agreement, and to greatly simplify matters, the departing American troops will first kill all Shia men between the ages of 19 and 55, making it much easier for Saddam to restore order in that part of the country. Saddam assured Mr. Rumsfeld that he'll be able to take care of the Kurds without any special assistance.