Havana, Cuba - Shocking news out of Cuba today - it appears that Fidel Castro has died. The discovery came just days after it was noted that the aging dictator was acting very odd. It appears now that El Presidente has been nothing more than a lifeless corpse, propped up by a broom handle for approximately the last week and a half.
Many in his own cabinet noticed Castro's abnormal behavior began shortly after he hosted a three day soiree at his beach compound in Cardenas. The get-together featured only a handful of Fidel's closest friends, allies, and two bumbling American college students.
Top Generals in the Cuban army were the first to suspect something on the Monday morning after the party. "I noticed he seemed to be slurring his words very badly, almost like he wasn't opening his mouth," said Lt. Guerra Chavez in strangely impeccable English. "I also couldn't figure out why he had to have those two gringos around him at all times. Castro is a very independent person, and now they are helping him in the WC…it didn't add up."
Citing Castro's advanced age and growing mental instability Dr. Ivan Marquez, the President's personal physician, issued the following statement: "He appeared in a relaxed mental state during my weekly observation time on Tuesday. I did detect the smell of rotting flesh once or twice, but he was pretty old. In fact just last week I had to reattach his beard three times."
It appears that the charade was over when one of the two men "helping" Castro broke down and admitted the aged dictator was in fact no longer alive. American Larry Wilson admitted that Castro had been dead for some time and that he and friend Richard Parker just "found Fidel like that".
"We just thought it would be a hoot, flying down to Cuba for a fun weekend of dictatorial fun. When we got to the bungalow he was keeled over - dead, and I don't know about you but I wanted to get out of the country with my head."
When pressed into details about how they were able to mask the death of a world leader for so long Parker recounted the sometimes grizzly details, "Larry and I would take turns watching him and making up excuses. ‘Sorry General Torres, El Presidente is El Passed Out - again' and then I'd give him the thumb-and-pinky-gulp-gulp sign for ‘he's wasted'."
"We knew the old guy was famous for weeklong drunks but even so everyday was like running a marathon, and I don't do running."
Burial services have been scheduled for Saturday with a spirited Civil War to follow.