Written by Fergus McCarthy
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Topics: Drugs, Cannabis

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

image for King size 'Rizla' buyers targeted by police

People who buy extra long cigarette rolling papers are likely to be followed and monitored by undercover narcotics officers according to a jointly released report commissioned by both the Irish and British Police forces.

Detective Inspector Mary Jane Timber of London's Hampstead Hemp Narcotics unit outlined the details of the report today at a press conference in central London's leafy Mexican Green. D.I. Timber faced the media wearing a 'Robot in disguise' voice changing, full faced plastic 'Optimus Prime Transformer' helmet in order to conceal her identity for future undercover stuff.

Inspector Timber requested that print journalists, disguise, with the use of bold and italics, all statements made by law enforcement officers, in the interests of personal safety.

'I think everyone here would be in agreement that the situation is indeed chronic, Officers from England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales have come together to try and make sens of the problem we face and to try and to gauge the collective rescources that we will need in order to strike a serious enough blow that will hopefully weed out the marijuana producers and cripple their operations"

Inspector Timber then asked that any further questions about operational procedures be token up with her Irish counterpart Detective Garda Jim Jones.

Garda Jones identity was hidden by a full face 'Darth Vader' voice changing mask that unfortunately needed fresh batteries.

To his credit, Inspector Jones appeared to do a decent enough Dark Lord impersonation, but many of the assembled hacks did have to bite their lips in order to stem an attack of the giggles.

"Our forces have come together as one to crack back at the the home grown hippy heads, to smoke them out of their holes and scrub out any sign of resistance.

In the past we have concentrated on severing the head from the body of the dragon only to find that the hydro has many heads and each head has many buds that will sprout seed and Puff! When the purple haze blows it all away it will seperate like the wheat and the chavs. "

Inspector J paused to lift his mask high enough to take a couple of pulls on a large hand rolled cigarette. After taking time out to drink a 500ml bottle of Coke, he belched loudly several times before inviting questions in order to try and remember what he was talking about.

After considering one question for a deep and thoughtful looking one minute and 48 seconds Garda Jones conceded defeat and invited 'Timber Tits' to finish him off.

Detective Inspector Timber was also unable to remember what they had been speaking about, but put forward in her own defence, the possibility, that the writer of the article was probably 'Booting the gong' when it was written and was unable to think of an ending.......

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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