Popular millionaire terrorist and murderer, Osama Bin Laden of 3, The Cave, Uphills, Pakistan (turn left after the Halal Burger King on Highway 13) is seeking to change his name, according to his public relations agency Al Jazera.
Fed up being called various names, such as Osman Bin Liner, Omama Bin Lying, Ben Larder, Beardie Towel Head and Murdering B*stard by people in the west who refuse to accept his radical and anti-social ways, Osama Bin Laden has approached British Government Agency YouGov to conduct a poll amongst the British public as to an alternative name he can change to either by deed poll or by threatening to blow up Charles de Gaul airport.
He is also said to be despondent at being continually pilloried by the press, and can't understand why everyone just wants to get on with their lives and live in peace when there is so much in the West to disrupt and so many peoples' lives to destroy.
Osama said: "The one thing I can't stand is people calling me 'towel head'.
"I appreciate popular anagrams of my name include 'bad animal nose', 'alien moans bad', 'based on animal', 'abandon a smile', 'bad on main ales', and 'I am also banned', but there is no need to insult me, especially when I generate so much work for bomb disposal experts, armed forces and the medical profession.
"So I appeal to everyone to start sending in names I can perhaps change my name to. But remember, I do not like the names Rupert, Nigel, Christopher or Kevin. And Moshe, Benji or Josh could cause credibility problems. "