The Cosmos - (Apocalyptic Mess): Astrologers are warning that Tuesday's portents hail a huge cosmic sting in the sign of the Twins as the forces of law and order combat the plague of Opus Dei tribute artistes posing as genuine born-again Illuminati.
"The day starts with what's known in the industry as a Blue Moon," a World Astrological Conference Organization source said today, "in other words a second full moon in the sign of Taurus the Bullshitter.
"The 02.11 GMT lunation cuts across strategic NATO defence lines that saw the UN Security Council ban all descendants of World War II criminals from pubic orifice," the WACO spokesperson continued.
"A few hours later Venus, the Lesser Benefic, squares up to Neptune in Pisces triggering a dam burst in the Great Whore of Babylon's corotid artery.
"It should all be over by teatime when the sun begins its transit of Gemini and all those doppelgangers posing as fabulous celebrities are hauled off to HMP Belmarsh on a 9/11 arrest warrants."
Police and security/intelligence sources have made no comment that a swarm of desperate wannabes congregating at Chelsea Flower Show are the real target.
But leading Russian crack baron Roman Abramovich has just trebled his entourage of knuckle-duster heavies.
And Chinese Triads smack frontmen like Sir Terrence Con Artist and the Duke of Westmonster rarely remove their bullet proof stab vests in public.
Camilla is foaming at the mouth.