Despite the negative talk between rivals Obama and Hillary, focusing on bitterness, elitism, religion, guns, and, especially, the divisive Reverend Jeremiah Wright's anti-everybody oratory, a key issue had still not surfaced.
After a statistically-valid survey of 5,000 Americans (good to 3% up or down), our reporters found that the White House Chef is a key issue! We quickly adjusted our questionnaire to reflect this constantly-mentioned area.
Basically, it all boils down to the question of whether Obama, who many consider Halfrican, a half and half, and other white-black epithets, will go both ways on White House food. The blacks want him to eat only deep-South originated fare, such as grits, chitlins, ham hock and beans, sweet potato pie, fried chicken, ribs, catfish, and watermelon, as examples. The whites want him to eat steak and potatoes, green beans, salads, roasts, turkey, corn flakes, and, to drink warm, white milk before bed, as examples.
So, after a highly-secret biracially focused cooking contest, if Obama becomes the next Presidsent, he will bring in Master Chef Creole Meole, 51, from New Orleans who goes both ways, although the chef says, "It's not a sex thing like AC/DC. I cook um both a ways, for example, black southern like a my good friend Boudreaux from Baton Rouge. I also do da Beef Wellington for dem whitey from big Eastern cities like um New York and Boston. I cook both ways!"
So, if the tall, skinny guy wins, he promises to satisfy blacks and whites alike with cuisine relevant to each group, and, cooked on alternating days. Said the confident Obama, "Gimmee grits or golden oats with bananas and I'm a happy camper, either way. You might say I'm racially non- polar!"
Highly disappointed, however, was Mandy Moore of Mainsville, Iowa, who recently got her degree in Master Chef from the Culinary Institute of America, a very prestigious chef's school in New York State. Said Mandy, "I tried so hard and can cook both ways, and I even go both ways. I mean I'm bisexual. But, that darn chef's hat kept slipping over my eyes and nose, so it was hard to follow the Betty Crocker recipes for "Colored Folk" and "Pure Caucasians (Aryan Preferred)," so, it was not quite fair. I didn't even have a choice of hats. You know the guy chefs have big heads, so clearly mine kept dropping over my face. I complained to Michelle Obama, Barack's wife, but she just said, 'Chile, just cook your ass off and then we'll judge.' So, they were rude, too. I cook greatly in my Iowa hometown of 3,000 and can even cook some Jewish dishes like that beet soup, bost, and that cheap fish ball stuff, gefiltered fish with chips.
But, even though I came in last of the 23 contestants Obama had for tryout, I still have a very positive attitude! Really! Maybe, some president will use me, sort of like Clinton used Monica Lewinsky. She did do cooking at the White House, didn't she?"
(Reporter: "Tacky" Jackie Swift)