SALT LAKE CITY - The enduring mystery of what Jesus really looked like was solved today after the Lord returned to earth in his Second Coming.
"We are happy to announce," said Bishop Tyler Wilkins, spokesman for the Latter Day Saints, "that the way Christians have depicted Jesus for centuries in art is actually correct. Our Lord is indeed a hippie-haired, pale-faced, sissy-looking white guy."
Wilkins said he was more than happy to shut the mouths of those who dared challenge the traditional depictions of Jesus.
"I don't care what the Discovery Channel says," said Wilkins, "I don't care that Jesus was actually born in Africa, or that he dwelled in desert lands, or that he was more than likely very fit because of all the walking he did. That is all in the past now. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, Jesus!"
Jesus flipped his long blonde hair from his face, stretched his skinny arms, batted his Aryan blue eyes and addressed the crowd like a patient on Lithium.
"Come, all ye who are weighed down," he said, then passed out because he hadn't eaten that day.
"It was kind of a weak Second Coming," said Wilkins, "but at least the traditional Christian faiths were proven right. God knows we need to be proven right on something."
Jesus was later revived, and immediately performed a miracle of turning water into a mocha latte with extra foam.