The recent earthquake in southwestern China, specifically, in the capitol and vicinity of Chengdu of Sichuan Province has already killed over 20,000. There may be 30,000 additional deaths. Over 70,000 have been injured and many are still unaccounted for. Some estimates say that thousands may still be missing in this capitol city and nearby towns.
The quake stuck at Richter 10.0, a whopper, at its epicenter, while Chengdu, got a 7.9, a major quake. Chengdu houses 'The Giant Panda Breeding Research Program and many pandas were heard mouthing off about constant earthquakes and "stinking" chinese food, while not getting their normal diet of bamboo and fruits. Shah Wah, an older male, lead an insurrection(see photo) and with the aim of getting all pandas to American zoos. Research Worker Number 27 quelled the panda rebellion and the riot was quickly over. She received the Order of Mao, 3rd Class, for her bravery against 15 or more giant pandas.
Yet, the full impact on Beijing has barely phased Chinese government officials and the Chinese Olympic Committee, despite many tremors in Beijing and our organization's valid concern that Beijing may be reamed by the Big Daddy, even Mao would fear. Recall, that the Beijing Olympics is set for a 3-week span during this coming August. Said Hu Jintao, President of China, "No flucking big dear. We have many more Chinee to go aroun! We plocleate very speedy like rabbit. From good Chinee food like Amelican rike!" And, Wen Jiabao, Premier, sounded off, "Quake was like fart flom eating too much flied lice. Bye Bye reporter! No stoly for you on my wollying. Gotchou! I no wolly! Ha! I, also, computer ritelate. Can forrow you burrshit!"
The Chinese have invested millions of dollars io prove to the World that Communism works. There's even an Eggroll X-Press every 50 feet in Beijing National Stadium, the venue of most track and field events. Vendors going throughout the stands have been training for months to even back toss egg rolls or spring rolls with an accuracy of 99.5% to hungry visitors...they learned from the peanuts guys of Amercan baseball. And the plastic duck sauce and mustard packs can be directed at 100% accuray. You should hear them yell at deafening sound levels, "Wanting egg low or spling low? Get here, prease!"
President Jintao and Olympic Committee Chairmam Gang Wi Wi Shindiang of 'The Chinese Athletic Union for Mao, Mao, Mao and How!' are assuring World athletes and visitors alike that Chinese seismologists, geologists and behavior patterns of the giant and lesser pandas have guaranteed that "no Beijing tlemor wiwe occur at least to be 2010."
Yet, some major competitor countries, such as Iceland, Chad, Lichenstein, Ethiopia, and Sudan have threatened to withdraw their athletes for fear of a Beijing quake and to send them, instead, to wind down in Key Largo, Florida, USA. Said Ping Ping Xiang Bernstein, Gateman Number 78, "Ha! Ha! Ha! To Key Rago! What mean Key, anyway?"
And, antipating a quake, but as an unlikely scenario, the Chinese have readied the record books with indications of games won without and with tremors and/or earthquakes. Said Shung Boong Miung, Quality Man Number 98. "We wiwe do, also, rike you do wit Mitgwire and Bonded one in baseball. They took sterroy drug, but we do best with earth motion. If we have event with jiggle type, we wiwe put asterrit at side to show we be fair in tremor, too. So sterroy or shaking get red star near name. And, we no take sterroy drug anyway, as Confucius say, "You take sterroy, you be merry like faily. I try hard to say fair-ry. Make you sound like you be homo! Ha! Ha! Ha!
And, we have ligolous test to tell wah sex or druggie you be. If bad, we kick you ass flom game. Then, you go home in shame! Here is all test:
---Check all females for male organ
---Check all males for female organ
---Check for hermaphrodies
---Expose hotties to other sex; if action, can tell pletty fast!
---We do tox scleen, too, to fine dlugs. Check for marijanerers, cocain, sterroys, date lape types, PCP, and other type new in malket.
Nobody will say Chinee bloke Orympic lures. We only kill in Tiananmen Square. That is big joke on you Angros.
We do wish Orympic Torch to be callied into Stadium by 'Girl Gone Wild' hottie, because she is most energetic. We wish before that young Ashrey Deprave and Ms. Crinton to also to run in, but both busy now and decrine offer. Too bad for you!"
Cleary, the Chinese government will push these games through, even if an earth splitter does occur. The Chinese consider a quake just another broken fortune cookie, feeling that their people reserves will always carry them to notoriety and to World domination. Hey, isn't a fortune cookie American and not of Chinese origin?
(Goong---Shanghai News Divsion)