President George 'Duh' Bush, trying to read an autocue at his ranch in Marlboro, today blamed China's poor human rights record for its earthquake, that happened earlier today.
'Yep', he said, 'wave your hand and at least try and look like a presid - no, let me finish! China's poor and indecent heath records are to blame for this otherwise tragic and sad earthquaker. We send our best wishes to a country we've made out to be as evil as Nazi Germany, while doing billions of dollars of trade with them, and the nearest Burger King is now in a Peking Duck.'
Presidential hopeful, Mrs. Monica Rodham, had this to say: 'Blah blah blah, cliche cliche cliche, look at me, mommy, I'm on TV!' And she added: 'I'm Chinese, and I invented mah-johng!'
Senator Obama Baracknotexactlybutsortofblack had this to say: 'Yes, we both sympathise with the Chinese, as left-wingers struggling against poverty and injustice, and at the same time laugh at the Commie war-mongers, to keep dumb voters happy.'
Rev. Jesse Jackson added: 'Let's hope the Chinese recover quickly enough from this to declare war on Israel.'
Ex-British Prime Minister, Tony Nicechap, after eating a plateful of red onions, said: 'Um, well, er, OK, you know.' And wiping away a tear, he added: 'The Chinese need all the help we, um, you know, can give them - so neither us nor the Americans will be helping them in any way at all.'
And a spokesman for the IOC, speaking from Colditz Castle, declared: 'Ja, vee taught the Chinese all they know about human rights, just ask zee Polish and zee Russians.'
Henry Kissinger was unavailable for his war crimes trial.