Written by victor nicholas
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Monday, 12 May 2008

image for Tom Cruise Converts to Mathology
The path to true enlightenment

Tom Cruise has announced that he has left Scientology and converted to Mathology, admitting that there is no science in Scientology, "They did not even teach me how to pith a frog."

Mr. Cruise initially took up Scientology to make up for missing credits to his grade twelve equivalency and has grown increasingly disenchanted with the organization in recent years.

"Frankly I expected more from a religion based on a dime-store novel. I was just about to read the book but don't suppose I will bother now."

Cruise believes it is time to apologize to his fans for allowing Scientology to make him behave like such an insane boob for the last couple years.

Tom is enthusiastic about taking up with Mathology instead, "I am more of numbers guy."

Tom first started taking up with numbers while watching Sesame Street with his daughter Suri and now makes habit of counting everything. He starts his day by first counting his failed marriages and then moves on to food items he is having for breakfast and so on.

Rumour has it Cruise has quickly moved up the ranks in the Mathology organization. He has already reached the prestigious status of chalkboard eraser clapper, a sacred ceremony initiating the start of local chapter meetings celebrated by rhythmically clapping two chalkboard erasers together over ones head.

Mathology has four levels of understanding. Level one is subtraction, new members are to lose themselves of all worldly possessions and problems. Level two is addition where the new belief of Mathology are added to one's life. Level three is multiplication where newfound beliefs increase ones skills to help others learn. The fourth and most divine stage is division where believers act to share their knowledge with others.

Currently Tom's favourite number is three. He chants it on a daily basis to achieve an enhanced state of consciousness. In such a state he says he has felt he has lost control of his earthly body and felt it overtaken by an otherworldly hand, perhaps that of the late Jim Henson. Katie Holmes says she is frightened of Tom at these times as he speaks in tongues with a squeaky, high-pitched endearing comical voice.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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