Jenna Bush, 26, the beautiful blond daughter of President Bush was married in a private ceremony, Saturday May 10, 2008 at Mr. Bush's Crawford Ranch near Waco, Texas.
Invitations were given to only 200 guests for the very private affair. A guest list was not avaiable, but leaks indicated the guests included Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Jay Leno, Baba Wawa, Rush Limbaugh, John McCain, Hannah Montana, and, even, a gatecrasher, Ashley Alexandra Dupré ('Spitzer's Girl'), who claimed she knew the groom from a Virginia convention. She was locked in a room by the Secret Service once discovered. The President, in a jubilant mood, said to release her to her pimps after all the guests had departed.
The bride wore an Oscar de la Rental white gown, as she took her vows with long-time beau Henry Hager, and, true to form, Mr. Hager wore a very sharp polyester Hager suit that had been stored since 1975 in the Hager Museum storage locker of the company.
A slight crisis erupted as vows were exchanged. Jenna started fidgeting and squirming. Apparently, the President in the time-honored tradition of The Order of Skull and Bones, once known as The Brotherhood of Death, had planned a Skull and Bones Wedding as a Secret Convenant made with the Order when he attended Yale for a bachelor's degree in history in the late 60s. Informed sources indicated that at a daughter's wedding, an SBT, or Skulls and Bones Trinket must be worn by the bride. Of course, the guests knew nothing of this and were quite concerned until Mr. Bush assured all that it was simply an adjustment needed to Jenna's underwear.
During the ceremony, a trio of slender men dressed in black, even with covered faces, chanted the Skull and Bones' mantra, 'Tum gagoo wobi panoo sazi mapoo' at least eighty times. Only Skull and Bones bonesmen know its meaning, but some believe it translates to 'mating will result in procreation in acceptable couplings.'
Paparazzi were kept away from airspace covering a 30-mile radius. So, no cleavage pics of Jenna made the tabloids.
After the ceremony, a lavish reception was held in which all the food was decorated with an image of The Skull and Bones Tomb facade. A toast to the bride and groom was made by the beaming father of the bride, while all lifted champagne glasses to a toast of "Here's to the lovely bride Jenna and to her beautiful partner Henry. Here's to Skull and Bones and to My Obligation to hide the sacred bone on the bride and a good job at that I did! And here's to my fellow bonesmen and to a new bonesman of a different kind, my son-in-law, Henry. Oh, and when you get to the honeymoon chamber, Henry, please find and return the sacred bone, so I will not be excommunicated by the noble bonesmen at Yale. To the bride! To the Groom! Let's eat! I'm so hungry I can eat some of Tiny's great Bar-B-Q!"
To Mr. Bush's surprise, the main course contained buffalo jerky quiche inspired by The First Lady, Laura Bush. As a condiment, The First Lady had also directed the chef to prepare rose-water flavored non-sweet yoghurt.
Our limited crew left the festivities, on the run, as we filmed Mr. Bush puking up his quiche and yoghurt and cursing at the same time, but we yelled our promise to destroy the highly-embarrassing footage. Ms. Bush was quite perturbed that the quiche and rose-water flavored yoghurt did not sit well with Mr. Bush.
This information was gathered from 'Inside The Honeymoon Chamber' magazine--obtained from our unidentified moles.