Written by David Hawkins
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Topics: Food

Wednesday, 7 May 2008

image for Starving People Won't Eat Dead Babies
Piss On Sudanese Subhuman Cannibal Bastards From Hell

Democratic Republic of The Congo - Children affected by war in eastern Democratic Republic of Congo face starvation, says the UN food agency.

"This is deplorable and unacceptable." stated UN Secretary-General, Banky Moondoggy, and...well...that's about all the UN is prepared to do about it.

Five years of fighting in Darfur between rebels, the Sudanese government and government-backed militias has killed an estimated 200,000+ people and displaced some 2.5 million others. There are numerous refugees in The Congo. It's not the UN's problem.

So when the not for profit Emergency Administration To Continental African Kingdoms Exporters (EATCAKE) sent three million cases of Garber Cereals and a ton of various jars of Garber baby food to the refugees in The Congo, they thought they could put a dent in the starvation crisis there.

The 78 year old baby food company Garber is famous for its trademark "Garber Baby" on the label of the jars and boxes. Most jars only show the baby and no photo of any food. When I began researching this story I asked, "What would you think if you were handed a jar with picture of a baby head on it?"

Just as I suspected. The people starving people receiving the food don't speak or read English.
Canned and boxed food in Africa usually comes labeled with a photo of the food that the container contains. If it is a can of tomatoes the label shows a tomato. A can of Spasm Mystery Meat shows a hunk of mystery meat. A jar of peanut butter shows a little peanut dressed like a man with a top hat and cane so you want to open it and squash him into peanut butter. It is a good way to package things that are going where there are 100 languages being spoken and a high illiteracy rate. So anybody knows what is in the jar without reading.

Upon opening the boxes and confronted with jars of what appeared to them as strained baby heads they started crying. Nobody could figure out why. But the pilots and volunteers on the very first plane got the message quickly when they were circled by the confused rock-wielding refugees who didn't take lightly what they perceived as an insult.

Willy Letdem, EATCAKE Chief Pilot, said: "They thought we were calling them cannibals. They thought the jars were full of what was on the label. Dead baby heads. When a hungry leader was brave enough to open up a jar of smelly beige mush he was obviously very insulted. He still had some pride. He spoke to the people and they became furious, pelting the plane with rocks and jumping on the tail. We left it all right there and took off."

EATCAKE spent a hundred thousand dollars in transportation alone. They will try again to deliver the food but this time they'll bring an interpreter and change the labels. Meanwhile the Sudanese government and government-backed militias are cannibals from hell and when they found the jars of what they thought were dead baby heads, they had a dead baby party. After they had gorged themselves on what was actually strained peas, spinach, carrots, and other delights only a 1 year old child or a subhuman serial murderer with a 1 year old's brain would love, they were an easy target as they snoozed in their jeeps.

Local refugees took advantage of the napping (I didn't say 'nappy headed') and attacked the sleeping, genocidal, subhuman, pea-brained, pieces of shit, and torched them all and drove away in their jeeps with brand new rifles and cool sunglasses and other sundry items like it was Christmas. EATCAKE is now empowering the refugees by dropping loads of untranslated Garber food near Sudanese encampments. Jeeps full of weapons, ammo, clothing, etc., and dead Sudanese subhuman bastards is more valuable than food. Sudanese are killing innocent people? Let them EATCAKE. Maybe baby food will help win a war.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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