BY GORD, THE CANADIAN PRESS - Our normally peaceful country erupted like a shaken Molson yesterday when it was announced that the NHL Stanley Cup playoffs had been canceled indefinitely.
Expecting a high-spirited tilt between the Montreal Canadiens and Philadelphia Flyers, Canadians were shocked when they tuned in their television sets to find the ever sober Peter Mansbridge, who informed them that some hoser in New York who never even laced a pair of Bauer's had decided to cancel the entirety of the playoffs due to a scheduling conflict with Disney's 'Ratatouille on Ice'.
Angered that their Saturday night plans had been ruined, and their hockey heroes would now be jobless - rendering nearly half of the country's entire population unemployed - frustrated Canucks spilled into the street, where they turned the aggression usually spent cheering as grown men on skates punch each other to a bloody pulp on anything and everything within reach.
The unruly mob tore through Ottawa, upending kayaks, letting Bill Taylor's sled dogs off their leashes, looting the Hudson's Bay Company fur trading post, and setting fire to Charlie Brownbear's igloo.
Even a tactical team of Mounties in full riot gear, armed with a Kokanee filled water cannon and shotguns loaded with Timbits, were unable to quell to the violent outburst.
Peace and order were restored eventually, when Gordon Lightfoot arrived on the scene, acoustic guitar in hand, and lulled the frenzied mob into a tranquil state with the soothing sounds of 'Rainy Day People.'
The mob then slowly dispersed, leaving behind a trail of destruction which ran the entire length of Ottawa's street.
All told, it was the kind of damage not seen since that rabid moose tore through Fran Davis' flower garden.
Cleanup is set to begin early this morning, and could take up to four hours, depending on how many beer breaks are needed. In addition, it has been estimated that the cleanup could cost upwards of $137- the equivalent of four cases of Labatt, or three new Sherwoods.