Moscow - (Rotters): Russia's leading tabloid has reported that in a landmark poll of 2,000 red-blooded Russian males aged 18-69 this weekend over 95% were too pissed to answer any questions coherently.
However their likely replies have been ghosted by an official Kremlin think tank which said today that 24 year-old rhythmic gymnast, Parliamentarian (sic) and tantric contortionist Alina Kabaeva would certainly be a typical Russian male's ultimate female erotic fantasy.
"Even if they'd never seen THAT internet porn video of tennis ace Maria Sharapova who comes of age today 19 April 2008," was the qualified, somewhat nudge-nudge, wink-wink reply.
Kabaeva, a feisty Tartar blonde, has stirred the loins if not stolen the heart of President Putin, apparently after just one night's performance of her gymnastic routine.
This was modelled on the 2001 Goodwill Games in Brisbane, Australia where she won gold for the Balls, Clubs and Ropes routine sponsored by ex-NY Governor Eliot Spitzer's Holy Roman Emperor Club VIP Agency.
The 24 year-old has since mesmerised Mad Bad Vlad with her ability to perform a handstand, arch her legs over so they nearly touch the floor near her hands, cut a line of coke with a toe-held razor blade and snort a gravity-defying half gram from a five hundred Euro note rolled up between her lips.
"Unfortunately there is no Olympic medal for that particular routine," Russian IOC member Sergei Gei said today, "but if there was Alina would be our gold medalist for sure."
At 1.63m (5ft 4 in) and 48kg (106lbs), Kabaeva is nearly two stone lighter and ten inches smaller than the pneumatic Sharapova who stands 1.88 m (6 ft 2 in) in her fishnet stockinged feet and tips the scales at around 59.1kg (130 lbs).
In her favor La Sharapova has acorn-sized raspberry-pink nipples, is worth around $150 million and has guaranteed income of around $25 million per annum for the next five years minimum.
Kabaeva on the other hand is worth a paltry $4 million in Gazprom handouts and TV dog food advertising royalties but has entered the Guinness Book of Record as having the stretchiest internal orifice since ex-US First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.
"Personally I think La Sharapova knocks the spots off just about every other Russian female in the public eye," shot-put enthusiast Dave Khruschev from Bloodyvostock said today.
"You can see she ain't exactly gagging for it either, except when it comes to that cheesy Swiss fiend Roger Federer, of course.
"Ms Kabaeva on the other hand is likely to become the permanent mistress of second wife of Mr Putin, a man who has managed to steal $20 billion in national oil and gas receipts and can therefore afford a wife 30 years his junior," Khruschev added.
"But if it's a 3am toss-up with the video recorder or internet porn channel I guess I know which one I'd go for."