Written by Felix Minderbinder
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Tuesday, 15 April 2008

image for Pope Benedict to Exorcise George Bush and Britney Spears on US Visit
Satan to get the boot

WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) -- Pope Benedict XVI will have an opportunity to use his priestly powers when he exorcises President George Bush, Dick Cheney, John McCain and Britney Spears during his first pilgrimage to the United States as Pope.

Benedict departed for Washington on Tuesday, complete with copies of the Roman Ritual, plenty of silver crosses, Holy Water and backup priests.

"It's gonna be pretty tough driving out all the demons in the White House and other places," said the Pope at the Vatican before he departed.

"But I gotta save the world from that warmongering lunatic and his crazy neoconservative cronies before they start World War III. Someone has to do it to stop those oil wars which enrich his pals. God, is the USA ever going down the tube."

Exorcism (from the late Latin word exorcismus) is the practice of evicting demons from a person which they are believed to have possessed (or taken control of). The practice is quite ancient and part of the belief system of many religions.

The Pope has been repeatedly viewing the movie The Exorcist in preparation for the ordeal.

"Britney Spears needs it pretty bad too," the Pope added. He will conduct that exorcism in a special studio for the Dr. Phil Show, then will exorcise the "Pregnant Man" on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

"I'm really gonna clean up America," added the Pope.

The person performing the exorcism, known as an exorcist, is a member of the clergy. The exorcist uses prayers, and religious materials, such as set formulas, gestures, symbols, icons, amulets, etc. as shown in The Exorcist movie.

The exorcist invokes God, Jesus and/or several different angels and archangels to intervene with the exorcism. Eventually the subject vomits green pea soup as the devils flee.

The Pope will turn 81 on Wednesday, and aides fear he will not survive the fight to drive Lucifer out of the Republican Party and American TV.

A crowd of up to 120,000, larger than the gathering for Queen Elizabeth II, is expected Wednesday at the White House to give their spiritual support for the Pope's official exorcism of the American president.

Later, he will see what he can do about Cheney and McCain and the other possessed GOP sickos.

The White House is also planning a gala dinner that evening if the exorcism is successful although Benedict won't be there. The White House says he will be attending a prayer service with American bishops in order to purify himself after being exposed to the likes of Bush.

The Pope and Bush differ on the major issues of the Iraq war, capital punishment and the US embargo against Cuba.

"Lucifer really has a grip on America's foreign policy and its leaders," said the Pope.

In his regular Sunday greeting from his apartment overlooking St. Peter's Square, Benedict asked for prayers so that his visit would be a "time of spiritual renewal for Americans as Satan is eliminated from the White House and Hollywood."

His address at New York's St. Patrick's Cathedral to a gathering of priests will deal with the clerical sex abuse scandal that has rocked the American church.

Benedict is expected "to boot the faggots out of the church" said a Vatican spokesman and have them all defrocked and whipped, along with "that bunch of corrupt neoconservatives of similar bent."

He will also address the United Nations and is expected during a visit to the Park East synagogue to tell the Jews "to give their stolen land back to the Arabs, stop threatening Iran and to stop jerking America around."

The Pope will also celebrate Mass at Nationals Park in Washington and Yankee Stadium in New York where he hopes to pitch a no-hitter.

--Copyright Felix MinderBinder Live Wire

Make Felix Minderbinder's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 3 multiplied by 4?

1 25 9 12

Go to top