Forget the extensive training now going on Worldwide as athletes prepare for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games, scheduled for August. The Chinese have added new games to the Olympics competition and these are virtually all unknown sports outside of the largest Communist nation. Needless to say, just months before things get serious, Olympic teams are wondering how foolish they will look while competing in these highly-unusual events.
Chinese official Number 3, Mr. Li Chen Xiang has firmly declared that, "Any country not participating in all the Chinese-based sports are ineligible to compete in any other Olympic sport; so, if not accomodating to Maoists, stay home, prease!" The U.K sent an inflammatory letter accusing Mr. Xiang of being "an egotistical red pig" and Great Britain ended up one noodle short of being forbidden to participate.
Protests by most of the nations involved have done no good whatsoever, so Olympic teams everywhere must now "crash" train over a 3-4 month period in sports thoroughly obscure to them. Every so often, a new sport is added to the Olympic Games, but this time, standard events have been augmented and diluted in stature by the host country's Olympic Committee, which has chosen native Chinese events, mostly for their own amusement and propaganda! The International Olympic Committee had no choice, but to go along, as the Mao boys were threatening to shut it all down if they didn't get their way. Holy Confucius!
Here's another added violation. It involves Medalist Rules: In addition to the Gold, Silver, and Bronze medals, China has "persuaded" the International Olympic Committee to allow "Mao Medals" for "Honored Performances by Chinese Athletes," whatever that means. Word has leaked out that all Chinese participants will receive a small gold medal with a likeness of the fat guy saying in Chinese, "MAO KNOW HOW!"
We present the latest added sports and a brief description of each. Virtually all these anomalies will have you scratching your head.
Give Mao To The People--A full-scale Mao likeness made of ebony (very dense) will be tossed to the peoples of China. The longest throw will win the Gold, of course. This event competes with the West's Shot Put.
Tiananmen Square Standoff--Particpants stand in front of an automatic tank coming at him/her at fixed speed. Longest standing, without being flattened, wins the Gold.
Street Rat Toss--Common exactly the same-weight rats are thrown. Gold for longest throw and a nice meal made with the dead rat for the winner.
500 Meters Full Dung Pot Sprint--Urine/fecal morning pots (very few toilets in China) form an obstacle course. It's speed, no pot tipping, and no feces on clothing that determine the Gold!
Barefoot Lead Run--Athletes run a course painted with lead paint. Best speed and least absorption of lead (athletes checked 4 days after the race) wins the Gold.
Filled With Sticky Rice--China's version of the hot dog eating contests of the West. Record in China is 11 quarts over a 43-minute span by the 470 pound Juan Fung Mung of the Central Shanghai Fire Department Number 21.
Giant Panda Lift--Shaanxi, giant panda from The Szechuan Zoo, and, in a comfortable box, will be lifted straight above the head from the ground. The most lifts win the Gold.
More Chinese events are implied, and, at the last minute!
As "Funk" Wong Kong of KBUT-AM 550 of San Francisco says, "You watch and see very unrusual event this year! Ha! Ha! Ha! We Chinee do good show! No? Ha! Ha! Ha!"
Beijing Xiong...see you rater!