You've had enough. I've had enough. It's now always in our faces! How many more sex scandals are ready to be divulged? "Governors, virtually all married, with no affairs under their belts, are just not with the program," says Pennsylvania's Senior Senator Arlen Spectra(R), a still robust 78 after licking the Big C. "And, if unmarried, they should, at least, screw around (with male or female) or, at least, attend an orgy." Spectra is truly ticked off, "as all this hanky panky is jamming the gears of government, 'rusted and not moving,'" as he calls it.
So, on April 3, Senator Spectra will introduce a Senate "Pretty Please" resolution begging all current and future Governors to get the damned horniness or spending thing out of their systems. "Have the fling. Buy the clothes!"
"The wife need not stand beside your sorry ass for popping a young thing, your top aide, your secretary, your favorite intern. Bop 'em 5, 10 times, but enough. Pretty soon, we'll get these reject assistants, lieutenants, Vice Governors or whatever, ruining these states, out of the picture. The elected Governors... let's keep them! We cannot afford second-rate, 'nonelected' state losers," said Spectra. "Give your mothers some peace of mind, Mr. or Ms. Governor.
And, think of the kids, if there are any. At school, the classmates will chant, 'Your daddy is a prevert! Your daddy is a prevert.' It's not preversion, if a male, governor...; it's testosterone! If a female governor, it's mainly a matter of state coffers being drained for shopping sprees."
"I tell you, I can't take it anymore," said a drained Spectra.
"Now, I'm only talking State Governors. We'll talk about the U.S. Congress when 'Teddy Boy' Kennedy spills his guts about dunking Ms. Mary Jo Kopechne, when he was wild and horny. Sorry, Teddy, you Kennedys don't know when to keep your flies zipped up! As for me, most out there is traif (unkosher meat, basically) and you want my Rabbi to bring me up before Congregation Beth El Shalom Oy Gevalt and humiliate Arlen Spectra? Bite your tongues!"
"By April 1, I will have polled all Governors on a voluntary basis to give me any sordid details of slut mongering, or, for the women Govs, getting their boy toys on the side and/or heavy spending on clothes at government expense. Yes, the lady State Chief Execs are doing it, too. Let's get all U.S. government moving again!"
"My wife bugs me everyday," says the Senator. "Arlen, stop the screwing and the spending. And, I love my Joan, so I can't turn away from my destiny!"
So Senator Spectra will present "The Satisfied Governor" resolution on April 3 before the entire U.S. Congress.
We have early details of Spectra's "Pretty Please" Resolution (Sen. Res 4308-SC-Pretty Please)
Male Governors: Each March of every year of your term, just get whatever poontang you need, but don't touch taxpayer money. Go to Daytona or South Padre Island for some wild coed snatch!
Female Governors: Each March of every year of your term, get your jollies with wanton sex and/or spend upto $20,000 of taxpayer money that month on designer clothes or similar.
"When this is regular event, no spouse can be pissed. It's accepted. Hey, in Europe, mistresses are the norm. Let's face reality my fellow Americans. And, no more press conferences with the spouse at hubby's or wifey's side. The spouse can be off getting revenge, for all I care!"
"I have the sense that the entire Congress likes my idea and with the Democratic jerk candidates Obama and Hillary vs my boy McCain, it's time now to get back to business."
The Senator will spend his own campaingn funds over the next week to explain his position in TV "Knowledge Spots."
(reported by Congressional Correspondent Jethro J.)