British writer and self-styled dandy Sebastian Horseface was denied entry to the United States yesterday after arriving to promote his memoir on a life spent looking and sounding flamboyantly gay.
The 45-year-old British author had been trying to reach Manhattan for the U.S. launch of A Dandy Dress Sense, his account of a life dedicated to shagging women and wearing finely tailored clothes.
In a spectacular act of border patrol cruelty, Horseface was detained for eight hours in downtown Newark before being denied entry to the U.S. on grounds of 'moral turpitude' and for displaying 'an offensively metrosexual Queer Eye dress sense'.
"Sure, I was dressed a little flamboyantly," Horseface admitted, miffed. "It's what I do.
"But in a concession to America's Puritan sensibilities, I was wearing an understated off-the-shoulder Dior evening gown, no nail polish, and a diamond no bigger than the Ritz.
"I thought I had sufficiently toned-down my customary manner and appearance for admittance to the streets of New York City."
When asked whether the author was refused entry because he seemed to be an effeminate homosexual, US Immigration spokesman Dick Spanky quickly denied the charge, insisting that many types of people are denied entry to the United States, including those who 'give the impression of being' smart kids with glasses, teacher's pets, or those skinny spotty weeds who are no good at sports.
When asked why it had taken eight hours and repeat forced viewings of Blair Witch 2 to determine that the sequin-clad British citizen was insufficiently heterosexual to visit America, Homeland Security claimed the border officers initially could not be sure Horseface was effeminate, and had had to tease him awhile and poke him around on the playground a bit to make sure.
The multiple enforced viewings of Blair Witch 2 alone could constitute a crime against humanity under Article 7 of the Geneva Conventions, say international legal experts.
When we attempted to phone and ask whether U.S. border officials now routinely identify British subjects as homosexuals, and why they would care, Homeland Security refused to accept the call.
Spokesman Spanky was happy to offer his opinion.
"All you English look and sound like poofs," he said, annoyed, "How were we supposed to know this one liked girls?"
Tragic Rabbit, Voice of London, Newark