Baghdad July 2007
Major General Mohammed Abdul-Latif was today sworn in as President For Life of Iraq. US President George W Bush and UK Prime Minister Tony Blair were the guests of honour at the lavish ceremony. Security was tight as intelligence agencies had indicated a possible terrorist attack by Kurdish separatists.
General Abdul-Latif, who first came to prominence as the head of the Fallujah Protection Army which helped end the seige of Fallujah, has largely been a popular appointment amongst Iraq's Sunni Muslims. However, the majority Shia population are deeply unhappy about his leadership. There are numerous reports of human rights abuses by Abdul-Latif's secret police, the FPA, in the Shia areas of Iraq.
President Bush expressed delight at General Abdul-Latif's presidency. "General Abdul-Latif is a guy we can do business with", he said. "He's shown he's a true friend of the United States. He's a stand-up kind of guy. The Iraqi people are lucky to have such a fine leader".
Prime Minister Blair was in agreement. "Of course I absolutely back everything the President just said. He's always right".
Celebrity guests at the inauguration included Bruce Willis. "Few years back ah was rarin' to come to Iraq and fight these forn fnadics", explained Willis. "But now ah've seen what a good friend of the US General Abdul-Latif is, ah just wanna shake his hand".
President Abdul-Latif was resplendent in his army uniform trimmed with gold leaf and carrying a gold cane. The eye-catching ensemble was topped off by a trilby, and in his other hand he brandished a hunting rifle. In his inaugural address, Abdul-Latif mixed encouragement and admonition. "My children. My Iraq. Abdul-Latif loves each one of you. I am Iraq personified. I am your nation. Return my love and you shall prosper. But those who spurn it will taste hell on earth".
Speaking to reporters afterwards, Mr Bush said he had been impressed by President Abdul-Latif's speech. "That line about hell on earth - dang that's good! When I get home I'm gonna ask Ashcroft if we can we use it in Patriot Act VII !"
A minor security scare was caused when President Abdul-Latif accidentally discharged his hunting rifle in the direction of the dignatories sitting behind him. Fortunately the shot did nothing worse than blow off the toupee of former Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz. Since 2005 Mr Wolfowitz has been CEO of The Iraq Oil Water Gas Electricity Telephone Internet and Air Utility Corp (IOWGETIA), a wholly owned subsidiary of the Carlyle Group. Speaking afterwards, Wolfowitz played the scare down. "Oh that wasn't a toupee. My hair is real".
At the reception following the ceremony, guests were entertained by the top comedy double act 'The Mark and Mo Show'. This duo consists of Mark Kimmitt, the former CPA spokesman, and Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, the former Iraqi Minister of Information.
Their famous to-and-fro punchline left the audience in stitches. Mo: "There are no Americans anywhere in Baghdad. I triple guarantee you". Mark: "NO - there are no INSURGENTS anywhere in Baghdad. I quadruple guarantee you!"