Anxious Chinese generals were locked in emergency session today after Tibet's Communist Party secretary, Zhang Qingli, announced the state faced "a life and death struggle with the Dalai Clique". Senior generals are concerned that while they can only muster 2.5 million heavily armed soldiers the forces loyal to the Dalai Lama have been secretly rearming with tambourines and mildly critical chants.
Chinese special forces have been ordered to shut down the Himalayan smuggling routes used by the Tibetans to bring terrifying brightly coloured cloth in from Nepal and a total ban on contemplative meditation has been enforced during daylight hours.
Speaking on condition of anonymity a senior Chinese military source explained "We face a fanatically peaceful enemy who will stop at nothing to wipe us out. My men can only take so many flowers been handed to them, they are just young guys, they never thought they'd have to face anything as awful as this." He added "the chanting, the chanting, I just can't take any more of the chanting."
EU and US sources asked to comment on the latest developments both pointed out that "our microphone was probably made in China and it would be best just to shut up, OK"