As religious fodder once again fogs our glasses and clogs our ears in anticipation, the Vatican, after a long day of napping has awoken with a new revelation. Turns out that the 7 original deadly sins were in actuality at the bottom of the barrel, and that barrel has gone over Niagara Falls.
SMU University's Father Phallic O'Fondlin notes "This new list is long overdue, let us not discount the original sins, but one of the deadly sins is sloth which has been wrongfully practiced by perverse deviants that pillage their habitats and plunder the beasts of their virginity."
Pope Benedict XVI was perusing through the shirt rack at his favorite Giorgio Armani outlet when he was asked to elaborate upon his freshly wrought list of no no's.
Feigning shyness he hesitated before pulling his pants back up and sitting down on a bench in the waiting room where the press patiently waited.
The Pope then reached deep into his motorcycle jacket and pulled out a rumpled piece of paper and began reading his screed which stated:
- Thou shalt not cheat at checkers during periods of sodomy meditation.
- It is a sin to have heart attacks, for violence solves nothing. Gently massage the heart and others will follow.
- It is a sin to shave before oyster-diving, not to be misconstrued with muff-diving which juxtaposes contorted poses and athletic aphrodisiacs.
- It is a mortal sin for a woman to cosmetically inject her labia with botox.
- It is now a sin for any further attempts to set God up on blind dates with other groups of different faiths.
- Pat Robertson is now deemed a cussword and red flag for the hypocrisy.
- A revision to the abortion sin that envisions the summoning of the Holy Ghost whom is currently the legal guardian of every aborted child and will be poised to with his army of babies brandishing spiked umbilical cords to hunt down mutinous culprits.
- It is now a sin to peel carrots, cucumbers or bananas because of its close relationship with masturbation.
- It is a sin to sleep inside a sleeping bag, a sexual metaphor analogous to a Blue Whale's condom.
- And lastly, the 10th and final sin: It is a sin for the media to kick a dead race horse by spinning the same microscopic topics undeserving of the public spotlight.