Written by Dan Bristol
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Topics: Iraq

Friday, 30 April 2004

image for Drill Sergeant Takes Over Iraq, Makes Whole Country Drop For Push-Ups
Gunny Heartman, USMC

Parris Island, NC - Iraqis woke up this morning to the sounds of profanity and shouting this morning when control of Iraq was handed over to Marine Corps Drill Instructor Gunnery Sergeant Heartman.

Heartman, a 25-year veteran of the corps whom sources say has been in a bad mood ever since being potty-trained at gunpoint, woke up the entire nation of Iraq at 4 AM with cries of, "Get outta those ****in' bunks, maggots! NOW! NOW! NOW!"

Heartman's appointment as Platoon Sergeant in charge of an entire country comes in the wake of the Bush Administration's frustration at being unable to enforce order in the war-torn nation.

"I will motivate these ****in' people or I will smoke their sorry asses!" Heartman told The Spoof. The DI then ordered Spoof reporters, "now drop and give me twenty-five you sorry scumbags!"

"We want to pull Iraqis together as a team," said an unidentified Washington source. "Plus we get all tingly when Gunny Heartman asserts himself. He's so butch!"

Human Rights advocates have questioned some of Gunny Heartman's actions, such as taking a group of 50 schoolchildren on a forced run, singing cadences like, "Saddam Hussein is a son of a *****! Got the blue ****s, crabs and the seven-year itch!" Heartman then traveled to Basra, where he single-handedly slapped the bejeezus out of muslim women for wearing veils.

Despite his blood & guts attitude, Washington is enthusiastic that Heartman "will motivate those goddamn people and get them standing tall or else!"

Gunny Heartman will spend the remainder of the week in Baghdad browbeating camels.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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