Written by Ross Douglas
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Topics: Jesus, Scientists

Friday, 30 April 2004

image for Scientists clone Jesus.
Jesus looking a bit pissed off.

The Californian institute for scientific research today revealed that not only had it successfully cloned a human being but that it chose to go for the big one and had cloned Jesus.

Using the latest advances in science, the institute managed to age the cloned Jesus thirty years in the space of twenty minutes using a MAM (Microwave Ageing Machine).

"Using the MAM negated the need to wait until Jesus hit maturity" said a spokesperson "we found out a few home truths about Jesus and think that the Christian church will be up in arms about them."

When our reporter on the scene asked for a few examples of what kind of thing the church would be annoyed at the spokesperson stated "Well for one thing he's not of Caucasian extraction as is the common belief of most churches. In fact he looks more like an Arab."

After the spokesperson answered questions form the floor he read out the following statement from the cloned Jesus....
"I am told that I was brought here by a thing called science and that I am a clone of a man who lived two thousand years ago and who was heralded as the Son of God.... I am not the Son of God. I am, as I understand, merely a genetic copy of that man... But in my mind I see the life of that other me spread out in front of me like a field of corn seen from atop a green hill far away."

The spokesperson took a step back from the dias to gather his thoughts and continued reading the statement from the cloned Jesus....
" I feel the pain and suffering of the man from whom I am cloned and I also feel the pain of a million children who die needlessly from starvation while wealthy nations destroy enough food to feed these people. I feel the pain of a million people who die from lack of clean water while wealthy nations poison the water with toxic chemicals from factories that produce nothing but death and suffering. I feel the agonies of innocents killed in the name of God; I feel their pain as though it is mine own. I feel the anguish of poets who seek to find God within and try without success to spread love in their words. I look at this world and ask why is this place like this father? In words that all people in this country may understand I say to you all... I AM NOT A HAPPY CAMPER! GET THIS SORTED OUT! or i'm telling my dad what you lot are up to..."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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