All across the U.S., major crime is on the increase, as reality programming on TV focuses more and more on true crime. The criminals are learning how to beat the cops and figuring out how to avoid the slammer with the D.A. by efficiently "copping a plea." Some claim a link between reality TV crime and actual crime, while others say these claims are just a shot in the dark or it's just a bunch of shooting blanks!
In order to address this escalation, especially as regards "doing a hit," "taking someone out," and getting someone to "sleep with the fishes," major police department Chiefs from Los Angeles, Phoenix, Chicago, Miami, Dallas, Philadelpia, New York City, Boston and other large metro areas recently convened in an undisclosed city to review the problem.
Said, Atlanta's Chief of Police, Homer Roscoe Jackson, "We peoples conventioned in a secret place. You think we want our damned asses blown off by some freakin' high school or collegiate punk gone off the deep side!? Shit, no! So we got together in dis a here a small town. They wouldn't even have a crack house in this dump. Damned problem really is no loose snatch, crazy booze laws, and no gamblin' joints. Man, that damned reality crap is ruining our yearly conventioning. I told my buddies to bust those producers on 'somethin'"
Key issues discussed were solved crime, cold cases, computer crime, profiling, the use of psychics, forensics, and new methods of crime prevention. Said keynote speaker, Chief of Police of Boston, 'Tim' Timothy O'Toole Harrigan Farley O'Boyle O'Donohue Kelly O'Farrell O'Connor, "First, let me apologize for the long name. Second, that Chief Jackson is absolutely right. Hey, we cops in Beantown always carry at least a dozen four-leaf clovers under our bulletproof vests. Hey, we got better vests than the soldiers overseas. We ain't stupid ya know!"
By far, the most interesting presentation was given by Tony Rizzolini, a detective with the Major Case Squad in New York City, regarding, "Quickly Spotting A Perp, Arresting the Perp, Beating the Shit Out of the Perp, Preventing the Perp from Lawyering Up, Getting a Signed Confession from the Perp, and Turning the Case Over to the D.A.'s Office to prosecute the ass off of said Perp. Rizzolini emphasized that, "Deese here guys are always guilty, as charged.
Look man, we got lotsa lab crap like DNA, fibers, prints, magnifiers, and major machines, so deese punks had better wise up and forget dat TV shit to beat us cops. We ain't dumb; yous know dat. And, I reefer to pains in thee ass programs, such as Forensic Folders, The New Coppers, Coroner's Cuts, Major Vehicular Pileups, Mykik The Psychic and udder bull like dat, caus we is ahead of da perps.
By da way, you know dis get outta da office shit once a year ain't too bad, but I told dose guys dat Vinnie was going to forget da cannoli, again, my man! And the shmuck did it again!"