In a remarkable turn of events, it was confirmed last night that, having found both his spine and his Orange Crush, two items believed to have been lost forever, Michael Stipe has now lost his religion. The leader singer is understood to be inconsolable and is recovering at his home near Athens, Georgia.
The story began yesterday afternoon when local police chiefs confirmed that Stipe's spine had been found on a dry lake bed in Arizona. Soon after, it was announced that his Orange Crush had been located in woodland in Oregon. At this point, the singer announced, via his website, that fans should not 'follow me, don't follow me' now that he had retrieved his spine and Orange Crush, presumably for safety reasons.
However, news came in the early hours of this morning that Stipe had now lost his religion. Details are sketchy but it would appear that the singer had been in the vicinity of both a corner and a spotlight. It may be that this dangerous combination of circumstances might have contributed to the loss of his religion. Police are appealing for witnesses and have urged the public to be vigilant.