Written by Monkey Woods
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Tuesday, 11 March 2008

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Hawking: lazy, and useless with women

Professor Stephen Hawking, the cleverest man in the world, has been dubbed "an idiot" by a lady on a bus in Yorkshire, over the paraplegic's dealings with his second wife.

Hawking, who suffers from Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, has been unable to say anything without the aid of a contraption for more than ten years, but this hasn't stopped him from deciphering how the Universe was formed, and coming up with several other important scientific discoveries.

He has also 'written' a book, A Brief History Of Time, but, says the woman from Huddersfield, he made "a rart mess ov his second marriage. 'E's an idiot."

Elsie Tattershall, 59, was travelling with her neighbour, Doris Stocksdale, 61, on the number 203 bus from Huddersfield into Leeds to do some shoplifting, when she told Doris:

"He's med a rart muck 'ov his marridge, that Hawking. All that idleness and thinkin'. It's enough t' drive any woman t' Moors."

Stocksdale replied:

"Aye."

Hawking was married to his first wife, Jane, until she left him in 1991 citing his 'laziness' as a major contributory factor in the breakdown in their relationship. He then wed his nurse, Elaine Mason in 1995, but she too became upset with the 'inactivity' of the genius, and the two parted in 2006, after an 11-year standoff.

As the 203 careered around the bend into Leeds station, and the two old bags stood to leave the vehicle, Tattershall commented:

"Slacker shoulda paid a bit more attention to his missus. Too much time reckonin' on 'is Big Bang Theory an' notinuf on 'is Black 'Oles! Lazy bugger!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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