VATICAN CITY - Ever budged in front of someone in a queue for the subway? You just hindered a child of God, sinner! Ever bragged about that homer you drilled at your last softball game? You just spoke boastful words, heathen! Ever stripped naked, slathered yourself in warm butter, and pleasured-yourself to the cover of Poison's 'Look What the Cat Dragged In'. Well, that one's not exactly a sin yet, so you're off the hook. But, have you ever dressed yourself in a black leather corset and pitchfork stilettos and sacrificed an innocent lamb to the Dark Lord Beelzebub? You just wore the clothing of the opposite sex, pervert!
No matter how hard you've tried, you're a sinner. Whether you're a blood-drinking, black-metal guitarist or the most God-fearing, bible-banging zealot that ever skipped merrily along the righteous path to salvation, you're no more than a disgusting bag of filth and wickedness, because, as it turns out, absolutely everything you do is a sin.
"Apparently those atheists, pagans, and KISS fans knew something all along," said Monsignor Giovanni Ribisi, a senior Vatican official who came to the staggering conclusion that nearly everything anyone ever does is sinful while researching scripture in order to create a more modern list of sinful behaviours.
"After I came across the 600th or so sin, I started to wonder if there was anything that wasn't sinful anymore," said the Monsignor. "Then I thought to myself, 'screw it, I'm going down anyway, why not find me some hoes and a bag o' blow and enjoy the ride down the highway to Hell.'"
The revelation that everything is sinful sent immediate shock waves through the Catholic Church, as bibles were traded for Ozzy Osbourne albums, and rosaries pawned for gold chains with marijuana leaf emblems, in an immediate mass defection.
"If I'm already going to Hell for all the small stuff, like reading Cosmo or staring longingly at that cute choirboy's tight buns, then toss it! I'm falling from grace face-down in a huge pile of cock," said former Catholic nun and current adult film star Foxxxy Hotboxxx, licking her greasy lips after going-down gluttonously on a large mound of fried chicken.
Paradise may not be completely lost though, as a loop-hole has been discovered which may allow believers to avoid a one-way ticket straight to Hades and still gain admittance to the Pearly Gates.
"I don't just covet my neighbour's ass, I tap it, but I'm still going to Heaven," said Bones, a former minister. "You can enjoy all the vices that this mortal coil has to offer and still find your way into the Promised Land. Just remember to go to confession every Sunday. Then you've got a free pass to go out and party like you're Motley Crue all over again next week."