Written by D. Bunker
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Tuesday, 4 March 2008

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(Spitzonfloor, Norway): "Well that just about freaking tears it!" stated Olaff Yonderhozen, head of the Norwegian Ministry of Frozen Food at a hastily called news conference after being informed by the Svalbard Global Seed Bank Mangers that due to a "small incident" at the facility the Bank would be unable to receive any more of the World's seeds for safekeeping.

The Global Seed Bank project, brainchild of Dr. Eric Von Frankenstein had just completed final preparations for movement of the world's 1,400 repositories collected seeds into the bunker and had indeed received its first shipment in a burst of international publicity. The main emphasis of the project was to provide a safeguard for humanity by having a supply of viable seeds to assist humanity in recovery after a natural or manmade Armageddon. Survivors would be able to unlock the bunker using master keys, the location of which would be kept secret until it was determined where the remaining human population would be located, thus allowing access to the seeds for replanting and so ensure the continued viability of mankind.

The "small incident" which has caused so much confusion and anger appears to be the fact that one of the members of the current team on site closed and locked the door with all the keys inside the complex. The bunker system, touted to be able to withstand a direct nuclear strike, has a series of computer and manually controlled doors which will operate only with both the code and use of the manual keys. Ingimar Hooterhogans, the team member who apparently locked the keys in the bunker, has been quoted as saying that she "Knew there was a problem as soon as the door closed and I felt in her parka for the keys to put in the strongbox". Ms Hooterhogans was last seen running for her life across the frozen North Sea followed by Olaff Yonderhozen and other staff members, perhaps feeling safer with the local Polar Bear population.

In a related story it has been learned that NASA (Space Travel R Us) had published it latest findings on impending threats to Earth from space objects and determined that the planet would be struck early in 2012 by a large asteroid. Curiously, the strike zone coincides with the Lat/Lon of the island and would deliver a force equal to 15 direct hits by all of the Nuclear weapons in all the world's arsenals. As an aside this date also coincides with the end of time calculation by the Mayan civilization calendar known as the Big Bang II. Further frustration will no doubt be felt with the identification by NASA scientist that likely survivors of the impact would be limited to residents of Dogpatch Arkansas, USA and any humans living directly on the eastern side of the Great Wall of China. Discussions with the residents of these two areas have been met with puzzlement, rifle fire, and invitations to set down for possum pie and fried duckling respectively.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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