Written by Monkey Woods
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Tuesday, 4 March 2008

image for Adolf Hitler "Totally Blameless" Says Astrologer
He wasn't such a bad sort, you know

Adolf Hitler, the well-known Taurean, was an innocent bystander and "not responsible for the atrocities he committed during the Second World War", says a leading astrologer who has studied the tyrant's horoscope.

Ludwig von Scheit, a Libran, says that, born under Taurus, the sign of the Bull, Hitler had no choice over his actions, and that they were mapped out for him the moment he was born. It was his Destiny, laid down by Providence.

HORROR

Taureans, said von Scheit, have a tendency to be controlling, stubborn and rigid in their ways, and this may have been why Hitler chose to invade Poland and Czechoslovakia.

HORROR

'Bulls' are also possessive, resentful and over-indulgent, which could explain why the dictator ordered the murder of more than 6million Jews in gas ovens, and then had their gold teeth extracted, and their skins removed for lamp shades.

SCOPE

Dr von Scheit, a Hungarian, makes these astonishing claims in a new book published today entitled Hitler - He Wasn't So Bad, You Know. In it, he tells of Hitler's guilt and remorse at having treated the Jews so woefully, and at having marched his beloved Germany to a war which eventually destroyed it and him.

TOTAL SHITE

Mystic Meg, the British astrologer and psychic who regularly publishes her wacky opinions in the News of the World and The Sun newspapers, said:

"I concur with Dr von Scheit. If it's written in the stars, it's out of our hands. Hitler was a typical 'Bull in a China Shop', but totally blameless for his insane decisions and genocidal actions."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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