New York -- Flavia Bujor, a 15 year old girl from Paris, France became a published author this past week, sparking a wave of mass-suicides among writers across the globe.
Bujor, who lives in Paris, was in New York last week to promote the American release of her book, "The Prophecy of the Stones." It's the story of a hospitalized young girl who imagines another world where three heroines band together with the help of some magical stones to save their land.
Thousands of novelists who have struggled for years to perfect their craft and fought endless battles to get the merest hint of a nod from publishers promptly became ill, vomited profusely, and killed themselves.
"I can't freakin' believe this shit," said Herman Strasse of Berlin, Germany. Strasse, whose short stories depict the angst of individuals searching for meaning in the post 9/11 world, then bludgeoned himself to death with his own typewriter.
Bujor's book has made it onto best-seller lists in Europe, and more than 20 publishers elsewhere in the world have bought the rights to put it out in their countries, proving once and for all that Hell is full and the dead are walking the Earth. Miramax/Hyperion Books for Children released it in the United States at the beginning of April.
International courts have issued warrants for the publishers, charging them with literary crimes against humanity, and if they haven't, they damned well should.
In the wake of Bujor's effortless break in the publishing game, thousands of authors slashed their wrists, swallowed handfuls of sleeping pills, and fashioned their belts into crude nooses. Officials of the World Health Organization have estimated the death toll at 158,767.
"For me it's like a dream," said Bujor, squeaking in her self-satisfied French accent. "Once again, people have suffered needlessly on account of the French, but let's just talk about me and my book. I really didn't think it was possible to publish it."
"The Prophecy of the Stones" caught the attention of a French publishing house when a distant family friend sent in some pages Bujor had mailed to him for his opinion. Publisher Anne Carriere contacted Bujor, ready to offer her a contract, before she had finished reading it, thus proving an old theory that the publishing business is being run by retarded chimpanzees.
Living writers are not the only ones reacting to the news of Bujor becoming a published author without serving any kind of apprenticeship or bothering to find out how difficult being a writer really is. Ernest Hemmingway is reported to have rolled over in his grave several thousand times, and 1920's horror writer H.P. Lovecraft reportedly dug his way out of his grave earlier this week to seek out the young French woman and bring about her untidy demise.
Anne Carriere, Bujor's publisher, made several comments about how Americans are evil, smacked her lips in a surrealistic, annoyingly French manner, and said "I was astonished by her maturity and I thought it was very amazing that a such a young girl can write like that." It has since been established that Carriere is a total idiot.
Upon learning of the hundreds of thousands of suicides brought on by Bujor's effortless entry into the halls of fame, she and Carriere giggled like French people, showed about as much concern as the French have shown for the tens of thousands of Americans buried on the shores of Normandy, and said, "My ass is twitching."