CCN (Crazy Cal News)- ACCRA, Ghana - President Bush denied claims that he intended to build more military bases in Africa to steal their oil. "Baloney," said President Bush, "We jest wanna' keep ya' safe frum terrurust attacks!"
Several African countries, including Libya, Nigeria and South Africa, expressed deep concerns that all Bush wanted was to exploit their oil reserves.
"That's rediculous," said Bush. "Free nations don't attack one another. Free nations don't have weapons of mass destruction. That's why I wrote Executive Orders to remove freedum from America. All I wanna do is keep ya' safe! When has Americuh EVER attacked a cuntry fer it's oil?"
Ghana's President, John Kufuor, said, "What about the War in Iraq?"
Bush replied, "Oh, that was just to finush the job my daddy had done... had didn't do... hadun't finusht."
"I know there's rumors in Ghana... well, in Nigeria, prob'ly in Ghana... that say `All Bush is coming to do is try to convince you to put a big military base here,' Bush said at a news conference with Kufuor. "That's salami... uh... baloney. As they say in Texus, that's bull. The whole purpose of Africorn is to help Africun leadurs deal with Africun problums," Bush said. "Heh, heh... I know I do. Them darn writers at TheSpoof.com are pickin' on me all thuh time!"
Kufuor said that China is, "coming not as a colonial power as far as we can see. It's coming ... as a guest on OUR terms. Why can't you be more like them? You already have so many military bases here that you've squeezed families into living in little shacks. What MORE do you want?"
"Too many nashuns continue to folla' either the paterna.. petrnal... daddily notion that treats Africun countries as charity cases, or a mahdul of exploitation that seeks only to buy up their resources," Bush said. "All ah won't is yer oil. Terrerist cuntries try ta' change yer' way of life. Ah'd never do that. Jest look at what ah've dun in Americuh. I've kept 'em safe from terrorust evildoers. I've had 'em install cameras in thuh bathrooms to keep them terrists frum using them new underwear bombs. We've got ta' do everything we can ta' stop the evil of democracy in Africuh. Terrorusts never quit thinkin' of ways ta' harm Africuh, and neither do we."
Karfur tried to hold in his laughter, but couldn't help but grin widely.
Bush continued, "I'm givin' $350 million to be made availabul over five years to target seven major diseases: elephantiasus, snail fever, eye infecshuns, river blindness, hookworm, roundworm, and whipworm. Ah think they could be developed into an effective means of fightin' terrurism."
Kufuror just shook his head sadly.
Kufuor is an Oxford-educated leader who gained power about the same time Bush did and is given credit here for economic reforms, open government and regional leadership... everything Bush is against. It's no wonder they can't see eye to eye on any of the issues.