Written by Kid Savage
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Topics: Fidel Castro

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

image for Castro quits, plans to veg out

Fidel Castro resigned as president of Cuba on Tuesday, saying he wants to travel home and abroad while he's still not a vegetable.

Castro's younger brother Raul was tapped as his successor, taking the life-long n'er do well by surprise. Raul Castro said he's got a few ideas for a new Cuba, such as renaming it, "The Cuba Cabana."

Raul Castro, regarded by regime insiders as a hipster doofus, also plans to move the outfield fences in at Havana's El Producto Field, because even Communist chicks dig the longball, and schedule lighter late-night TV fare, such as Cuban Gladiators, the Real Peasant Housewives of Pinar del Rio and the comedic musings of Comrade Conan O'Gonzalez.

Fidel Castro made his retirement speech from the steps his Winnebago, then waved goodbye with his AAA triptik, which plotted his journey across the island to see the fruits of totalitarianism first-hand. He said nothing brings him greater happiness than to see the poverty and hopelessness in his subjects' eyes, or bounce young children on his knee while flies buzz around their filth.

"I'd also like to see some women box," Fidel Castro told friends. "Just can't beat it, other than hanging dissidents or lopping off their heads, of course.

"Dude, I'm gonna miss being dictator. It was a blast."

The former El Presidente said he plans to park next to Guantanamo Bay, hit golf balls at the fenceline lights, hoping to knock a few out and rattle the American soldiers' nerves.

Other retirement goals include partnering with Nike on a line of ready-to-wear peasant outfits, and volunteering at his pet project, the Defector Hotline, where families rat out each other's escape routes and are rewarded by extra stale bean and rice rations at Fidel's All-You-Can-Puke Buffet.

The aging lunatic said that even though he gave up power only hours ago, his aides were treating him differently already.

"I asked a flunky for a Heineken and was told, 'Get it yourself, fatso,'" Fidel Castro said. "I fear hard times a comin'."

Back in Havana, Raul Castro was busy trying to consolidate power and earn respect among officials who used to just roll their eyes when he spoke.

"While it's true I've been living off Fidel's name all my life, I'm not the knucklehead everyone portrays me as," said the younger Castro, ignoring his handlers' signals to wait until his microphone was turned on.

"My goal is to increase the amount of decadence in Cuba, otherwise we will be left behind in the world market. We cannot compete in the new millennium without cheap booze, Hollywood whores like Sharon Stone, reality TV, knock-off products, waste and fraud. Fidel was old-school. We need to get down with the fa-shizzle."

Raul Castro indicated that while his brother won't govern anymore, he'll remain in the political arena. He intends to give Hillary Clinton some advice about winning the remaining Democratic presidential primaries now that she trails challenger Barack Obama. He feels a kinship with her, according to Raul Castro, because their social agendas and power-grabbing styles are identical.

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