Imagine having a young, vibrant, intelligent, single daughter, and your only child, at your side during the political campaign of a lifetime! And, she is quite savvy, in part, from having a Stanford, then, an Oxford University degree and now is dealing with private equity for a major capital group in The Big Apple! Sounds perfect, right? Well, not in this case!
Here's the real poop on this mess.
Enter the 27-year old Chelsea Clinton, daughter of Bill and Hillary, who has not appeared very much at all on the campaign stump with mom, except for giving a few speeches at college and university venues. Direct interviews with reporter are nil.
It all started in 2003 in England during her Oxford days when Chelsea suddenly developed a "stenched-mouth condition," reminiscent of the odor of feces and farts. She then went to Dr. Shermlick Battlescat, the prestigious nose and throat doc in the U.K.
Batteries of tests provided no clues, as the condition worsened. Doctors, nurses, and technical personnel often fled like a bat out of Hell from any area Chelsea was in. Several said in variants, "Who the Queen Mother shat in here? I mean, there is a loo nearby, dammit!" Dr. Battlescat even collapsed once, as he checked Chelsea's mouth, while telling her to say ahhhhh! And, at one point, Prince Charles became involved, as well, claiming that, "Chelsea's mouth smelled like mum's WC!"
In University classes, Chelsea sat by herself, keeping her mouth as tightly shut, as a frightened clam. Yet, students still left the area, complaining about smelling crap, shit, a dump, and other like stench.
"NO MORE FETID MOUTH" was posted almost everywhere.
After getting her degree at Oxford and receiving a firm offer from the New York City-based capital firm, she was then sent to London's famed "Putrifaction Experimental Station," for tests that ran the gamut of chemical and electronic state-of-the-art protocols, which included use of a U.S. Navy "Submarine Trace Fart Detector." During the third round, the stench destroyed its $300,000 sensor.
Returning to the U.S., Chelsea was observed at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. After weeks of testing and body scans, scientists quite surprisingly found an embedded 3 millimeter pellet of Russian origin in her upper left thigh. Called F-666 by NAT0, it can cause an overwhelming stinking crap-fart-mouth odor for several years. Chelsea now believes that a Russian boyfriend at Oxford somehow injected the tiny pellet into her leg when they were in the sack after a bout of heavy drinking.
Fortunately, there is a chemical treatment, AFG-666, that the biochemists at the U.S. Army's Fort Detrick, Maryland "Biohazards Research Center" have now had for a year. It works by a secret nanotech process known as "procryptically-enhanced regiospecific decimation," that will gradually deplete the F-666 from her body.
However, it will be this July before her body can be declared completely tox free. Until then, sorry Hillary, but Chelsea has to mostly keep her mouth shut! So, she must stay far away from humans and cannot give face-to-face interviews or comments in the close presence of reporters and others.
President Bush has lodged a formal protest against the Putin government via the Russian Embassy in Washington, D.C. "for this serious breach of trust between our two nations."