Porn star and erotica director Ron Jeremy says he's delighted to be asked by Chinese officials to take the place of Stephen Spielberg at the Bejing Olympics promising to use his expertise to make it an event to remember and the first opening ceremony to feature a two storey-five ton dildo.
"I thought it was a bit odd at first," said Jeremy on receiving the call. "The guy from the Chinese embassy sounded a bit confused so I asked him if he was familiar with my work and he said he was just told to get someone who was really big in the movies."
Jeremy claims he's under no illusions on how difficult it will be to fill the shoes of Spielberg but says their differing styles will be an advantage to him.
"I'm sure Mr Spielberg had something spectacular planned for the opening ceremony with lasers and a lot of that technical stuff" he said "but I'll be using a simpler approach, probably just a pool guy having sex with a bored housewife or maybe someone masturbating on the running track"
American Olympic officials are said to be "livid" by the usually conservative China's choice of their advisor which they say is totally inappropriate.
"Ron Jeremy called us this morning with some suggestions for what he'd like the American team to do when they're marching around the stadium but there's certainly no way we'll be asking the women's soccer team to do "tricks" with a linesman's flag and as for that thing with the ping pong girls...."
Jeremy says he's well aware there'll be some opposition to his plans and realises he'll have to be more diplomatic especially following a bust up with German officials after he suggested they perform something that's traditional in there own erotic movies.
"Is all I asked was that none of their athletes go to the toilet before entering the stadium and they went absolutely bananas," he said.