Riyadh, Sordid Arabia - (Sad Ass Mess): Sordid Thought Police forces have threatened anybody selling red roses, tacky greetings cards and other St Valentine's paraphernalia with a 100 lash public flogging after claiming it would incite and deprave the population to take part in orgies.
The kingdom is paranoid that the annual western custom will corrupt the national purity which has successfully purged all its males of homosexuality and its women from having a functioning clitoris, er...brain.
In addition to the usual romantic tat Sordid Arabian retailers have been banned from selling anything red: chilli peppers, tomatoes, apples, strawberries, lipstick, brassieres etc, "although fresh meat, rubies, red Mazda sports cars and a number of blood products are exempt."
Instead the country will celebrate a range of traditional holidays such as the King's Birthday with a range of tantalising festivities including mass public lapidations, amputations and beheadings.
"It is perfectly possible to have a good time in the kingdom without resorting to corrupt western nonsense," a Ministry of Religious Paranoia source said today.